Mobile games should all implement Neko Atsume’s criteria: full of adorable cats you can buy toys for—for their entertainment and yours. But just like real life, not all things can be purrfect. Not even my new-found furry mobile friends. That’s why ranking all 53 of them—from worst to best—seems a logical thing to do.

*Spoilers for Neko Atsume to follow including some items which attract rare, special cats. I also play the English version of the game.*

This article originally appeared on December 17, 2015 and has been updated to rank the new seasonal cat, Frosty, included in the December update to the game.

Update on 4/13/2016: The Spring Update brought four new cats—Apricot, Ganache, Sapphire and Jeeves; and so the list has been updated once more.

Advertisement

Personality: Finicky Feaster

Tubbs is the bastard of a cat who ruins friendships. He’s a source of tension and subject of furious message exchanges, debating whether he’s cute or just a jerk for gobbling up all the food in record time. I’m losing the battle amongst my friends for my latter stance. People—who shan’t be named—really think his widdle cheeks are adorbs enough to pinch. People—like myself—really think those other people are loons.

Advertisement

Sapphire’s Personality: Naive

Jeeves’ Personality: Nimble

The rare Spring cats are always together and they will be ranked accordingly. They also make my blood boil.

Advertisement

I don’t care how cute Jeeves is with his dapper little mustache, and...is that a hair piece? The monocle is a nice touch. His raccoon tail is something I don’t understand...

Anyway, Sapphire makes this whole thing a mess.

There’s some Southern social hierarchy going on here that makes me wary. It’s either that, or there’s a Batcat and Alfred situation going on in Neko Atsume land. If that’s the case, then they deserve a higher spot. Not the one I needed to give.

Advertisement

Personality: Friendly

Every time I see Dottie in my yard, I wonder who she is. Lately, she’s been stuffing herself into the cowboy hat, so she’s becoming less of a non-entity but still. Hardly a speck on my radar.

Advertisement

Personality: Team Player

I’m not one for baseball but I can’t deny I laugh at his name. I bought the football (soccer) ball, thinking that if I placed it, a soccer star would come, as that’s more my thing. He never came because he doesn’t exist, as far as I can tell. Is this the part where I call “offside” on this kick to the shin? I’ll show my sadness by ranking sending Joe to the cornfield.

Advertisement

Personality: Indecisive

It’s tough ranking Cocoa. On the one hand, just look at that expert use of a sheep cushion. On the other, every time I see Cocoa, I have to click to recall exactly who this milk chocolate coloured cat is. Life is hard in arbitrary cat ranking. Decisions. Decisions.

Advertisement

Personality: Carefree

Awww, Callie! I don’t really take note of you either. But if my fish goes missing, I might remember you for sure then.

Advertisement

Personality: Sensitive

There’s a story that’s told on cold nights to scare some life into the dreary clutches of winter. It goes: in the dead of night, after a heavy snowfall and when the drifts pile on to frozen lakes, a cat appears with a glowing red demonic stare! It nestles onto your offering, hoping you’ll catch a glance of its ghastly splendour. Alas, being caught in its icy gaze means you’ll have a restless winter of interrupted slumber until Spring arrives...

...At least, that’s what I’m hoping, for my own sake.

Advertisement

Personality: Slacker

Apricot is a pretty peach colour... wait. If not for the stripes on her head, or the frequency with which she shows up, I’d mistake her for Peaches. Nah. I really wouldn’t. Peaches is awful. Apricot isn’t so bad. An apricot filled cornet is the weirdest, cutest and tastiest looking thing since linzer cookies. I could use a thumb print cookie right this second, now that I think about it. These cats are making me hungry.

Advertisement

Personality: Insatiable

I’ve never seen a kick toy fish loved so dearly. It’s the only reminder I have that Bolt exists, honestly.

Advertisement

Personality: Determined

I’ve never seen a kick toy fish so gutted. Mack’s always there, kicking around that thing like nobody’s business. Determination is the right description but he’s not trying that hard to really get my attention. Sorry, Mack.

Advertisement

Personality: Shy

Ginger’s just a cutie, isn’t she? I like when she appears in the yard and I especially love when she dons the cowboy hat. Cracks me up every time. That hat suits her but she just can’t get enough of blending into the bureau. Making her not only camouflaged but also out of sight, out of mind.

Personality: Artisan

I should love this cat. A foodie. Connoisseur of the fine eats. Slick pose extraordinaire. But in English, they named him Guy Furry. A clever play on Guy Fieri’s name, yes. But I’m reminded of Guy Fieri and it makes me think his “artisan” cooking ways may not be the greatest. Everyone knows the best Iron Chef is Hai Yo from Suikoden II. We totes could have had an Iron Chef Cat, Yo. ...I’m not so good with cat puns.

Advertisement

Personality: Pragmatic

What a complete and utter jerk. Very much a cat, then. Ganache struts into the yard and is always ready for a party. But he obviously believes the yard to be running on a “suggested donation” admission fee because he leaves nothing behind but one or two fish (I’ve already got Pumpkin doing this, and there’s only so much bad behaviour one should suffer). His use of a cream puff would be cute if I liked chocolate cream puffs. His terrible attitude makes me think he’s also leaving chocolate stains behind... at least, I hope it’s pure, rich chocolate ganache and not something else.

Advertisement

Personality: Mischievous

Sunny should brighten my day, but she rarely does. She’s cute all lying on her back, swatting at that busy bee whenever I put it out. Okay, I am feeling a little happier thinking about her.

Advertisement

Personality: Jealous

If hogging the flower vase makes Patches a selfish, jealous type then I’ll happily keep putting out that thing to see the cat squish itself in. So amusing.

Advertisement

Personality: Lazy

I’ve been watching Misty’s patterns ever since I paid attention to the fact that she’s supposedly “lazy”. All I know is, she sleeps and scratches things like a boss. Reminds me of my own cat. I wouldn’t be surprised if Misty is equally as evil as my cat Jazz used to be. It’s always the quiet ones.

Advertisement

Personality: Awe-Inspiring

Saint Purrtrick: the Patron Saint of Neko Atsume Cats. I think? I really don’t know, just as I have no idea what’s going on with its tail. Placing the silk crepe pillow down has invited this spirit into my home. Maybe if I don’t look at it, it’ll go away. Maybe. And if it doesn’t? #yokaiiswhy

Advertisement

Personality: Laid Back

The first cat to wear the plastic bag when I bought that 10 fish (coin) piece of trash for my yard was this one. The Laid Back personality trait with a power level of 30 makes Breezy easy to adore, and laugh at. Every. Single. Time. This plastic bag may not be Breezy’s favourite toy anymore but I’ll never forget the ridiculousness it took for the cat to put it on, and the laughing in the face of danger at all the suffocation warnings and “keep away from children and pets” that I imagine are marked all over that thing.

Advertisement

Personality: Outdoorsy

The Moses of cats, up on the highest perch of the Cat Complex Mountain, passing judgment on all the felines below.

I judge thee to be the 34th cutest.

Advertisement

Personality: Peculiar

An uneasy rattling in the bureau, the yarn ball that moves on its own, the goldfish that casts a peculiarly long shadow. Something is amiss in my yard, and I just can’t figure it out.

Advertisement

Personality: Ditzy

The way she spins that yarn ball isn’t different from how the other cats spin the yarn ball, but knowing she’s a ditz makes me laugh. So easily amused I am she is.

Personality: Riddler

There is nothing cute about Ramses. Pretty scary, actually. But as Ramses gifted me an expensive looking staff, and leaves me a wealth of fish every time, he’s pretty great.

Advertisement

Personality: Leisurely

If there’s one cat who knows how to lounge, it’s Tubbs. But Tabitha’s not far behind. I didn’t notice her too much until I bought the wooden pail, and there she was. It’s one of the cutest pics I have of any cat in the game. Lucky cat, or else she’d be ranked much lower.

Advertisement

Personality: Refined

Dapper cat is dapper. I wonder if he wished to be number 1.

Advertisement

Personality: capricious

The Peaches heart brand is strong. It’s like Juicy Cature strong.

Advertisement

Personality: Diva

I don’t even.

I suppose it could have been worse.

Advertisement

Personality: Selfish

For the longest while, this little punk was greyed out in my Catbook. He visited the first day to play with the red ball and then, nothing. A Rascal, indeed he was. When he finally showed up again, I wished I had never seen him. The Rascal sat atop my cafe like he owned the place. Seriously, I waited all this time just to discover that he had a selfish nature. Greyed out and mysterious was a better fit.

Advertisement

Personality: Scheming

I was so excited to get the very first rare cat in my yard...until I realized the violence he was engaged in.

Advertisement

Personality: Reserved

Spooky’s so adorable isn’t he? Ain’t nothing spooky about him. That’s what all cats want you to think...

Advertisement

Personality: Lonely

I feel sorry for Speckles. I’d feel even more sorry for him if I actually knew what he looked like, and could spot him in a crowd.

Advertisement

Personality: Joker

Spots, you hilarious fool, you! I see you.

Personality: Charismatic

Once upon a time, a couple of sisters created two houses in The Sims. After a guinea pig incident, The Fortune Family suffered a devastating family loss when Ill Fortune, husband to Miss Fortune passed away. Soon thereafter, the hauntings began with Miss Fortune finding solace in the arms of her neighbour Sabin Figaro. Marriage was in their future, followed by deceit, and a torrid affair with Sabin’s brother Edgar after nightly criminal career shifts.

Fortunately, Ms. Fortune of Neko Atsume fame may not have drama attached to her as The Sims Fortune family of yore. Unfortunately, I cannot say for sure as I have no control over her life and her feline wiles. All I’m saying is that it’s looking mighty suspicious for Speckles the lonely Cat to be visiting her house in the middle of the day.

Advertisement

Personality: Aloof

Advertisement

Personality: Vigilant

Conductor Whiskers is so adorable driving that cardboard train. I’m not sure he knows where he’s going since he seems far too concerned with sticking his head out of the engineer’s compartment to look cute, instead of paying attention to the rail. An Eiden Master he is not. And they call him vigilant. Pfft. But does it really matter? This train ain’t really going anywhere. Might as well look cute while pretending to be awesome.

Personality: Adventurous

Socks crept quietly in the dark of night, towards the locomotive standing in the living room. He climbed aboard and with mischievous intention, gave the train glowing eyes. The Adventures of Sockas the Tank Engine was born.

Advertisement

Personality: Mentoring

I was so excited to see Mr. Meowgi in my yard that first day. He trained at that log for a very long time, and I would peek in on him to see him poised, forever ready to strike the log in a swing he’d never take. So samurai! So cool! When he left, my excitement was muted. He left me 1 fish. One. Not even gold. I’d like to think there’s a lesson in discipline to be learned here, but as I just don’t see it yet, I’ll continue being a sour puss.

Advertisement

Personality: Hot and Cold

For some reason, Gabriel makes me fearful. Smokey should technically do same but I don’t feel too threatened by those golden eyes. I mean, I wouldn’t put it past him to sit on my chest while I slept and suck my soul out, or be truly unhinged if re-animated but...

Advertisement

Personality: Enthusiastic

I find it very suspicious that every time Sassy Fran shows up, Pumpkin is nowhere to be found. Coincidence, perhaps. Maid Cafes and Cat Cafes are the greatest things ever imagined (or worst. I suppose it depends on who you ask). Maid Cat Cafes, though? Mind-blowing.

Personality: Shy

Here’s Pepper, David Bowie in cat form. Keeping an ‘lectric eye on me. It freaks me out.

Advertisement

Personality: Expensive Tastes

You have to wonder what Lexy thinks about when she interacts with pedestrian purchases in the Neko Universe. For instance, I’ve caught her eye-balling a simple gold fish. Do you think the smirk on her face is a sign that she feels compelled to knock over the bowl with a surgically deft paw? Would she even risk getting it wet? Neko Atsume with the hard questions.

Advertisement

Personality: cautious

For a cautious cat, he sure loves to come around a lot and I’m okay with that because he’s just adorable. Like Gozer, his colours wow me every time. I know, he’s just the reverse colour scheme of Bandit, it seems. Maybe that’s why I like him so much. I get confused.

Advertisement

Personality: Regal

My friend adores this mean looking thing. I’m not surprised she loves him, “look at how regal that ass is!” She’s all about loving grumpy faced things. I’m not as kind, however. Though okay, he is pretty funny… plus he leaves me a lot of fish for resting his royal behind upon the cushion. All Hail Xerxes IX.

Personality: Crafty

In Neko Atsume, if a cat has visited your yard but you missed catching them in the act, the “catbook” will show you their names with a greyed out picture sans stats. Willie looks like a forever greyed-out cat even in person. There are many times I gloss over his presence in my yard which I am convinced is an intentional smoke screen on his part. How ninja of you, Willie.

Advertisement

Personality: Nihilistic

I really wanted them to call him Billy the Kit. But what do I care, anyway. Pointless.

Advertisement

Personality: Boorish

...

Advertisement

Personality: Mellow

Ah, my default cat. The game told me to lay down a red ball as part of the tutorial, and there he was when I returned. Rolling around on the ground like a loon, hugging the red ball like they were long lost friends. Snowball doesn’t remind me of Lisa Simpson’s Snowball, which is a good thing. Because that cat is scary. Neko Atsume’s Snowball though, brought me a small collar with a flower print pattern. How could this Snowball be anything but a sweetie? Casting off its flowery collared shackles in protest of something. Snowball certainly isn’t a hipster. I’m grateful for that.

Advertisement

Personality: Diligent

There are many cats with yellow eyes but none seem as devilish as Gabriel. Perhaps it’s an unfortunate side effect and mindset of having said name (mhm. It reminds me of Damien because the Recovering Catholic that I am mixes up my Angelic and Demonic folk —thanks Swan and Ishamael!), which triggers a chorus from The Omen which rattles the brain. Or maybe it’s that he’s usually found staring off at some unknown delight, plotting… waiting. Thinking about crossing my path… and the evil that he can unleash.

Advertisement

Personality: Faint-Hearted. Power Level: 0

Aww, Pickles! Poor, sweet little Pickles. Faint-Hearted with a Power-Level of 0, I oft find the little guy head first in a pile of leaves. It was the safest hiding place until the introduction of the pickling jar. Comedic genius to boot? How could I not love him?

Personality: Sore Loser

Gozer’s personality may say sore loser, but I’m fairly certain that’s a whole lot of shenanigans. His coat has a sheen like no other with colours that speak to me. One day I found that fool hanging off the roof of the cardboard house like a pro. That’s the behaviour of a winner, if you ask me.

Advertisement

Personality: Wild at Heart

Whenever I see Bandit, he’s up to no good. Aptly named, I suppose. But the day he brought me a busted up toy to show his love, I knew he was the cat for me. What a butt dumpling… which isn’t really saying too much as cats are notoriously terrible. Internet fact.

Advertisement

Personality: Lady-Killer

I would write something glowing about Fred except he’s such a lady-killer that I can’t form a coherent sentence when I see him. ::swoon::

Advertisement

Personality: Spacey

The best cat is the one that reminds me of my own. Always so happy, doing silly things like sticking himself into boxes, mischievously batting away curious red things...he’s just the sweetest. I’m projecting, surely. Or tabby cats just have an overwhelmingly friendly nature and Neko Atsume captured cats perfectly… Whatever it is, Pumpkin will always be my best cat.

Even if Neko Atsume Pumpkin leaves me 1 measly fish every time he visits.

Jerk.

Advertisement

You’re reading TAY, Kotaku’s community-run blog. TAY is written by and for Kotaku readers like you. We write about games, art, culture and everything in between. Want to write with us? Check out our tutorial here and join in. Or follow us on Twitter @KoTAYku.

Follow N. Ho Sang on Twitter at @Zarnyx if you’re feeling adventurous, or you can read her articles here.