Breaking News out of Foxconn, specs for Nintendo’s new console, codenamed “NX”, have allegedly leaked and...boy, what a doozy.

For several months now, sleeper cells have been posing as factory workers to deliver breaking details about Nintendo’s next console. Apparently the gaming giant started production on the new system, which awakened the agents- not unlike the Force- to leak information regarding its specs.

According to my sources, The Big N will call this console the “Super SAE”, possibly to evoke it’s 16bit era system. It stands for Super Sorry About Everything, and includes:

-An apology letter signed by Shigero Miyamoto, Reggie Fils-Aime, and new President Tatsumi Kimishima.

-Voucher for a Wii U.

-A Wii U sticker book that also includes temporary tattoos.

-Voucher for a 3DS.

-Digital Amazon codes for 5 titles, of consumer’s choice, for each system.

-A Virtual Console code to redeem any 2 titles on each device.

-A massive 36" x 15" poster featuring Mario, Link, Samus, Donkey Kong, and Pikachu.

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-A 2TB external HDD, compatable with Wii U.

-Every Amiibo released.

-A new Gamecube controller for Wii U.

-”NintenDOES” bumper stickers.

-Friend Codes for every Nintendo Employee.

And finally,

-A bag with $500 cash and a note that reads, “Wii U is a great companion console. ;)“

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Nintendo has ordered 10million Super SAE’s for its initial shipment as it expects this to be it’s best selling console. Expect it to cost about $300 at launch, though it is rumored to have a price cut after the first six months.

(Full disclosure: My sources must remain anonymous, as I’m sure they would want- if they had any freewill left since activating. Also, I sadly lack pictures as my photographer tragically committed suicide, due to the deplorable conditions and disturbingly inhumane hours, before the orders came in. The price of professional journalism, I suppose.)