Dear Fans of Candy Crush Saga,
Hi there, it's me, Riccardo Zacconi, CEO of King, the maker of the one-and-only Candy Crush Saga – the wonderful, original game you know, love, and most importantly, spend your money on.
Our little company has been getting a lot of attention in the news lately and, unfortunately, the reports haven't been about the wild success of Pet Rescue Saga, download it today!
Instead, people have been making noise over a small legal flap we have with Stoic Studio, the makers of a game called The Banner Saga, over their attempt to trademark the name of their game.
Now, I don't want to get bogged down in all the legal mumbo-jumbo. We've already addressed that in official statements. I just want you to know that, like any responsible company that made a billion dollars last year, we're only thinking of you – the consumer. What if grandma gets confused by the word "saga" and thinks that what she's getting is one of King's other fine products, like Farm Heroes Saga? Did you even think about grandma before saying such hateful things about us on the internet? No, you didn't.
You know what... the more I think about this whole "saga," the more upset that I'm getting. So, let me get real with you for a minute. Let's cut through all the bullshit, alright? Ol' Ricky is gonna ground-truth this motherfucker for you.
Did I mention that King made a billion dollars last year alone? That's right – billion with a "b." BILLION. Do you even understand how much money that is? I'll put it this way: let's say you live to be 80 years old. A billion dollars is about $34,000 a day, which is roughly the annual starting salary for a new teacher in some places, every single day for 80 years.
A billion dollars is having-your-own-harem kind of money. It's the kind of money that forces your wife, husband, daughter, and son to rip open their pants and then dance around naked while I sit on a throne eating grapes and clapping my hands next to a bed with lace curtains like a goddamn sultan in an old movie. Better yet, like a King.
So, you're asking us why we feel like fighting over the use of the words "candy" and "saga" and making an example out of Stoic Studio and a little crowd-funded game like The Banner Saga?
Fuck them – that's why.
Money, bitches. A billion dollars of it last year. More to come.
Money. MONEY. MONNNNNNEEEYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
No money down at firstname.lastname@example.org