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PHC's Fantabulous, Magnanimous, Outrageously Fantastic, (mildly erotic) Nintendo Switch Wishlist.

Illustration for article titled PHCs Fantabulous, Magnanimous, Outrageously Fantastic, (mildly erotic) Nintendo Switch Wishlist.

So the new Nintendo thing what was announced there, that’s pretty swell, eh? It’s hot kickin’ chicken wings, boy howdy, I tell you hwhat. Yessir. But you know what the NX needs? My opinions. So ready your body for my Reggietastic wishlist of things I wanna see on the WiiU2.


1. Television. WHy has nobody thought about this? Video games are for babies (RIGHT?! CAN I GET AN AMEN?!) so the Wii Thrii should definitely have TV support. Netflix, Hulu, The New UPN, the whole shebang. Real adults watch TV between shifts in the coal mines, so if the PS4 doesn’t have football, this whole experiment is going to sink Nintendo.

2. NES games. As we all know, video games from when I was 3 are objectively the best video games, because I remember them a lot. New games are STUPID, man. Gotta have the classics. You know that NES Mini? I wanna pay $1000 for that. Because nostalgia. I liked it when I was a kid, and every game made after 1992 is shit. I still have all my original Transformers.


3. $60 games with minitransactions. Because really, games gotta make money SOMEHOW. When large corporations gamble way too much money on entertainment products that can never possibly meet ludicrous expectations, it should be up to the customer to cover the shortfall. Frankly, these big corporations need our support in order to keep spending hundreds of millions of dollars gleaned off the backs of overworked game designers who aren’t paid for overtime or allowed to see their families. After all these benevolent corporations have gave us (HALO?! Can I get a hail Mary, son!?), they should frankly lock every hour of the game behind an additional $5 paywall. It’s only fair.

4. BAN SJWS FROM MAKING WII 360 GAMES. SJWs are freaking awful, man. They’re taking away the last male safe space, and trying to let icky girls into a BOY’S hobby. And LGBT people? I mean, come on. These people are trying to take away my video games by allowing more and more people to play them without feeling alienated or unwelcome. I mean, I know video games are becoming a more and more complex medium capable of telling new stories in interesting ways that allow them to make commentary on real social issues in an interactive way that can communicate complex socio-political concepts to people who might not normally be exposed to challenging subject matter, BUT THESE PEOPLE NEED TO BE STOPPED. #Gatorade


5. Lock the framerate at 24fps. Movies are shot at 24fps, and movies are just more for grown-ups than stupid baby games. The human brain can’t even understand anything faster than 15fps anyway, so really, smoother motion and greater precision in fighters, twitch shooters and other fast-paced games are kinda useless. If games are even going to be taken seriously, they basically need to be movies. Know what the best game is? Plumbers Don’t Wear Ties. That game ran at like 0.2fps at times, and it’s really similar to a movie, so it’s the best game. It had almost no interactivity, LIKE A MOVIE, and this is what games should really aspire to be.


If it wasn’t obvious, this is all sarcasm. I’m having a little bit of fun. In terms of actual wants, I really wanna see a 3D open world Pokemon game, performance on par with the PS4Pro and Hank Scorpio, and some kind of innovation that either prevents game makers from having massive mandatory updates or at least makes the updates less painful. Don’t care about anything beyond 1080p, but I’d love to see high framerates and HDR support out of the box. 3DS backwards support would rock too, if it’s even possible, and the portbility is pretty much a moot point for me so I just want a home console that runs like a dream. Hope I gave some of you a laugh.

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