I’ve finally figured out what’s going to happen in Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Possible spoilers. So where do we begin?


The film starts with Ridley’s “Rey”, she’s the farmgirl character who lives scavaging on a planet where a major battle has taken place. But what you don’t expect is that is actually a Jedi this whole time and is taking lessons from Luke Skywalker, Mark Hamill’s character, and works getting artifacts for him.

See after the end of the original trilogy everything goes pretty well for the rebels for a few years, then some super weapons from the other side of the galaxy pop up and they start losing pretty hard and work more of a “galactic seperatist” angle. The whole movie will be a set up that they can finally mortally wound the Empire.

Then we meet Finn, John Boyega’s character, who is also a Jedi. I know, right? He’s a storm trooper, which means he was like conscripted into service, possibly from a world that was hugely attacked by the Empire. For those that have Star Wars history on top you know the Star Wars Stormtroopers were clones, then different clones, and apparently now they fill out the ranks with anyone.

Anyways he starts having Jedi dreams so when he’s sent to work a mission with Captain Phasma, Gwen Christie’s character, he survives some crazy attack cause he knows there’s going to be an attack. And it’s an attack from the Millenium Falcon, flown by Chewie and Han Solo, as portrayed by Peter Mayhew and “Get off my plane.” Somehow they meet and become friends and the ship is hit so thye ned to land, so they end up on the planet with Rey.

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All of our characters meet up and Rey says she works in a museum and he says “you belong in a museum.” So they go to the museum and find luke and find out she’s actually Luke’s daughter. Then we find out the mom was actually Leia. They did it and they don’t care. But that’s not the end of it. Finn is Han and Chewie’s kid.

That’s when Kylo Ren shows up and fights everyone. And he’s having this fight with Luke while everyone else is talking or something and he stops and says “you’ll never defeat us, the dark side,” and Luke says “Never, you bastards,” and then Kylo Ren says “no, not with our secret weapon” and then the Empire use their weapon that turns off the force in the area. Yeah, shit just got real.

So we have our fight against the Empire, they have to get to a ship and turn off the force blocker before another weapon goes off and destroys the rebel base. I know I haven’t talked about the rebel base yet but you know they have a rebel base. Why wouldn’t they have a rebel base?

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That’s where Leia is and she is now this big military commander. So she will not be in the movie for the first 2 acts outside of talking to Oscar Isaac’s Poe Dameron. He’s on a mission to get into the ship with the anti-force weapon and gets captured, then halfway through the movie when our crew go to stop the weapon they all start hanging out and decide to be friends. And then R2-D2 shows up and everyone loses their shit. Luke crys, “I thought I’d never see you again,” and then C-3PO shows up and everyone is nonplussed.

Then they turn the force back on but in a big fight Ren shows off to Luke that they’re, get this, making Darth Vader clones. Of course. Ren is like an actual good bad guy, he always gets away but says mean shit to Luke.

Now it’s the big final battle. Luke is trying to train everyone to be a Jedi, even people who aren’t Jedis, and Leia is talking about the plan, which they’ll call the Ackbar maneuver or something cause lolololololol, and Han is like “I am a clear and present danger to the dark side” and everyone cheers.

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Then, with a goodbye kiss to his son with a single teardrop falling down his face, Han and everyone get ready to leave and say something like “this hopefully isn’t the last time.” They die almost immediately and Poe’s team with all our characters are who we follow through this final adventure. They have a major assault on the base, in typical Star Wars fashion, with the actual important effect being a singlular effort by a member of our crew. Then Poe shows up and Luke fights him but dies and our heroes continue the fight. Poe is repelled eventually and the rebels commandeer the super weapon. In the end we see the funeral for Luke, and then Han shows up and steals all the thunder even in his death and says “Snakes, I hate snakes.” And everybody cheers. Then we have our final shots of the crew we now have getting i