TAY, I have really bad social anxiety problems, and it causes me a lot of pain and distress. And I don’t know how to escape.
I have a reputation on TAY for being opinionated, mean-spirited and perpetually miserable... And I wish I didn’t. This follows me in my real life, in a way that’s detrimental to my social life and career. I wish I could take pride in the way I act, somehow take ownership and say, “Yep, that’s what I am, deal with it.” I mean, I SAY I do... But I always feel miserable inside.
I say and do things, frequently, that I regret immediately after. I have no immediate consideration for who it might hurt or alienate, until I think back on it. I rarely try to do damage control because I don’t want to be passive-aggressive.
I wish I had Asperger’s, or that I was a sociopath, or that I had some explanation for my behaviour... But I can’t lean on any such excuse.
This isn’t meant to be a pity party thread, and I don’t want it to come off that way, as much as I have the eloquence of a rusty mallet. I know other people suffer through this same shit, and I know we all have deep-seated problems that haunt us on a regular basis.
I’m writing this in the moment. I don’t want to let myself forget this sheer pain and terror that gets brought on by the feeling of not being liked. This bullshit can get set off by anything as simple as someone not hearing something I’ve said (though they could be ignoring me), or something like saying something personal that I know is TMI, but the filter just isn’t fucking there.
This feeling makes me think about suicide, but only in a melodramatic way. There are no real guns or pills, just the notion of, “I want this to not be real, I want non-existence.”
I dunno. I piss a lot of you guys off, but I love being here. I love hanging out with you. My real-life friends never visit me, so coming here is just... Awesome. Helps me feel connected to reality.
Anyway. That’s enough of my own shit. If you’re ever feeling equally messed-up, you know, I’ll always be willing to listen. Even if you’re not someone I talk to frequently, I want to make sure no one goes off the deep end.
If you’ve got your own story to share here, feel free to. I’m going to drive around for a bit.