TOKYO- In a move that is sending ripples throughout the gaming community, Shuhei Yoshida announced today that Sony will be abandoning the Vita and making a PlayStation app for 3DS.

At a press event called “The PS Future Xperience”, a noticeably solemn president Yoshida announced that Sony was discontinuing the Vita indefinitely.

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“Fuck it,” he said, wiping away a tear. “Just fuck it.”

Citing an abysmal lack of sales, and inability to “entice 1st, 2nd, even 3rd party developers” into “devlop[ing] real games” for the handheld, Yoshida called the handheld’s minor sales a “joke” and said, “[PlayStation ‘father’ Ken] Kutaragi would be spinning in his grave over such a disgrace as [Vita].” He quickly added, “If he were dead”, seemingly after remembering Mr. Kutaragi was, in fact, still alive.

As Mr. Yoshida stood in front of the packed crowd at FPSX, gazing wistfully off into the distance as a visibly crushed and defeated man, he set his notes down for a moment and addressed his audience directly. “I don’t know what you people want anymore. Really. You’re all insatiable fucking monsters who ruin every great thing we bring you. You hated UMDs, so we made the PSPGo. That sold so poorly we had to invent a brand new proprietary method of flash storage for Vita, so you never had to look at memory sticks again. WE GAVE YOU FUCKERS TWO DAMN ANALOG STICKS!! All throughout the PSP’s life it was, ‘oh where’s my second analog stick? I want another analog stick! Make real sticks! I hate these nubs that logistically make way more sense!’ And we obliged. We even brought you ungrateful plebes the PSPhone you whined about for so long. Where did any of that get us? Here. Right here, at a fucking funeral for your fucking ‘dream’ portable.”

Mr. Yoshida then left abruptly, mumbling about Zoloft, as the massive screen showed trailers for some exciting upcoming titles for PS4. No Man’s Sky is still looking great! No new footage of Uncharted 4 or The Last Guardian, but we saw what looked to be real gameplay from Street Fighter 5!

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The president retook the stage after the sizzle real to announce a new joint plan with Nintendo. Apparently, the newer models of 3DS and 2DS will be able to download a PlayStation App. The app will host several titles to purchase from PS1, PSP, and Vita- though it is unknown at this time what those are. The app will also have full access to the streaming service PlayStation Now.

“We now realise the only problem with Vita was that it wasn’t Nintendo, regardless of how inexpensive it was, or its extremely cheap Memory Cards. So we partnered with Nintendo to give you pricks what you REALLY wanted.”

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The PlayStation App releases May 23 worldwide, and will cost what Sony calls “a reasonable” $32.99