Today I fucked up. I let things get out of control. I made a comment that was supposed to highlight a negative that I noticed, something that included only a couple people when it should have included more. I cannot apologize for that comment. I meant that in the best of intentions. I am sorry for the chaotic negativity that it spiraled into, becoming something it shouldn't have. As many of you know, I'm not one for apologies, because I'm terrible at them. But I'm apologizing now, because I'm no longer angry at the world, I'm finally seeing things in the right perspective.
We almost lost my dad last night. He's stopped breathing several times in his sleep lately and it hasn't been getting better. Each time it's happened he said he felt so relaxed, like he was floating and saw a light, a small white light. And he was drawn toward it, but tried to turn back because he knew he couldn't leave, and he said it was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do. But he came back to us.
And I lost perspective on things. I became angry that this could happen to him, to my family. I was angry at the world. Angry at everyone. I lashed out after the first comment. I didn't care about anyone. I didn't care about anything. No one's feelings were important to me. Nothing was important except the welfare of my dad. And he wasn't getting better and I couldn't stand it.
And I fucked up. I started alienating people in a place I care about, that I love. And I lost focus on the importance of life, and I'm ashamed of myself for it taking something like this to regain that sight.
And I'm sorry. I'm a much better person than I have shown myself to be and I *will* get better about that. And I don't expect to be forgiven for everything I've said, or forgiven at all, nor do I want this to look like an excuse. It's not. It's me realizing I wasn't being the best me I could be and you deserve an explanation.