I'm really feeling it!

TAY Snacktaku: Five Guys

Do you like burgers? How about good burgers? Ever heard of Five Guys? The place is supposedly so good, that they boast that burger connoisseurs make an annual pilgrimage to the original establishment in Arlington, Virginia, and sacrifice a five calves in order to gain the favor of the carnivore god . . . Ok, I made that part up. But really, they're good burgers.

So, it was around 20:30 hrs when Freddie, my gut, got the rumblies that only grease-soaked beef could satisfy. And, this time, I wanted a real burger. So, here I was, in the middle of the night, surrounded by the stench of cheap liquor and the cigar smoke that plagues Mill Avenue on a summer week night, dying for a bite of cow flesh. Unfortunately, I was being delayed by the lack of parking spots available, since the only places left were the totally off-limits handicapped ones . . . At that point, I felt like purposely breaking my own legs, apply for disability benefits, only to be able to use those dreaded blue spots. But anyways, I finally managed to find a spot, parked, went into the place, and ordered my double-patty bacon cheeseburger and some small fries. "Small fries? You're a runt, TUT" Well, the last time I ordered large fries at this place, I ate cold potato strips for about a week. See, what they do is try to fill up the paper bag you order food in with fries. And, well, since it's only a meal for one, that meant a lot of fries . . . Yea. So how were the fries?


When they called me up to pick up my order, they had just scooped the fries fresh out of the grill, still dripping oil and grease. You could practically see the Type Two Diabetes oozing out of those things. And, well, being the impatient son-of-a-bitch that I am, I took and handful and shoved them into my mouth . . . You know, second-degree burns in your mouth hurt . . . But the pain was so sweet. By the time I got into my car, I had gone through half of the fries. They were just so perfect to stop eating. Despite their current temperature, I kept eating away, enticed by the copious salt and melted insides. You could essentially drink the fries . . . By the time I got home, I only had this few left.

And now, onto the burger itself. One of my favorite aspects about Five Guys, is that your burger is actually yours. You commission each burger to your precise specifications, and end up with exactly what you wanted. I would never fear any encounters with those despicable wretches known as pickles, because I knew each burger had exactly what I wanted in them. Two glorious slabs of meat topped with copious bacon, melted American cheese binding them together, and topped off with some plant specimens, whose sole purpose for existing is to lavish this great culinary masterpiece with just the right amount of freshness and sweetness to balance out all the flavors.


"Gee, TUT, you're making it sound like it's the most amazing thing you've ever had. Hyperbole, much?" Well, kinda. Honestly, Five Guys is one of my more frequent foodie adventures, and despite their high quality, I'm still more inclined to have something from the neighboring Fat Burger joint . . . But tonight was different. This Snacktaku review was initially meant to be more casual, and definitely more critical of Five Guys. "Eh, I'm sure my fellow TAYers are notorious burger connoisseurs, and already know about this gig. Hell, they may even critique me for going with the overrated", were my original thoughts. But tonight, I encountered with what may possibly be the best burger I've had. I sat there in disbelief, totally gobsmacked about the implications of this meal. I couldn't fathom the greatness to behold in this sandwich, and silently pondered through all my carnal experiences to date. I listed my previous greatest burger encounters . . . That one time in that Flintstone's themed restaurant in Universal Studios, California . . . Or perhaps the Cracker Barrel in Bloomington, Illinois . . . There was this one lady in Pachuca, Hidalgo, who had this burger stand in front of a butcher shop, whose burgers were famous for being inconceivably good. Hell, even vegans couldn't resist them. But, somewhere amongst those precious burger experiences, this meal had a place in. It was so irrevocably delectable, that I nearly wept upon realizing I had finished it in a record six bites . . .

But anyways, back to normal Five Guys stuff. I think one of the reasons I keep going back to that place is because of the special experiences I'm always guaranteed to encounter. Aside from always having a fun staff, they also have tons of peanuts available as a sort of appetizer. Just sit down with a tray of them and eat away. The contrast in flavor between a peanut and a burger, french fry, hotdog or basically anything else on the menu is so vast, yet so harmonious, it's almost inexcusable that other burger joints don't emulate it. Waiting for your meal to be ready in Five Guys isn't a chore, nor a nuisance, and I actually look forward to it. They also seem to be one of the few restaurant chains that consistently offers Vanilla Coke. And that automatically gets points in my book. I've run into the occasional Burger King, or even In-N-Out that offers this not-so-novelty drink, but it's really always an exception. Not in Five Guys. I've been to one in Prescott, and they too carry it.


In short, because I just noticed this is a wall of text, Five Guys is good. If you want a a good burger, and one happens to be nearby, I strongly recommend you choose it over the alternatives . . . Unless they're something like Johnny Rocket's, or Fat Burger. But Five Guys is definitely above normal fast food joints. Hell, even arms dealers eat there.

Share This Story