Hey guys! So up top I have two apologies to make: 1) I’m sorry this is late, there was some pretty extreme weather. 2) This is pretty long, but I made sure to include plenty of pictures.
I hope you guys had as much fun answering as I did reading (except the person who called me a slur, you can eat duffle bag of ball sacks marinated in taint sweat). Two of you clearly didn’t, as you bailed without answering a single question. But judging by some answers, you guys had fun.
So SURVEY 3 [or SURV3Y, if you’re nasty] was pretty random. In fact, the theme was R@NDØM ÇH@Ø$!!!!, so it had to be. Anyway, as my mother always said to my dad before sending me outside to play, Let’s Get It On!
The first question was pretty easy, what age group are you in? 100% of those who answered are between the ages of 0-1,000,000. That’s sweet, because I happen to be in the same group. However, 5 people skipped this question specifically. Hm... Rather odd, don’t you think?
Since anatomically modern humans emerged 6,000 years ago from Eden, and all life on Earth will perish in 2022 when our attempts to geo-engineer a “solution” to Global “Warming” backfires, there’s only one logical answer: These five people are Time Travelers and there was no option for negative ages.
Honestly, that’s on me guys. I should have considered it, and it was very chronist of me to assume your timestream. My bad.
The next question was about Woodchucks, and I’ll let Groot explain first:
Oh! Ok. Well, I had planned on Groot presenting the question, but I suppose you can, Frieza. Hell, you can do the whole thing if you want! It’s all just a single “please” away.
Well you better start stuffing that pride down, pal. I’m not letting you do diddly without a please. I won’t let you do squat. So until you ask politely, you won’t be presenting diddly squat!
I fucking dare you, bruh! Blow up the whole planet for all I care!
Oh! But if you DO “obliterate” me, how you gonna log in and present the Survey results?
Anyway, sorry for the little distraction. Frieza has been DYING to get a word in on one of these. Anyway, back to the Survey! Groot, what’s the next question?
That’s right! The question was “How Much Wood Could a Woodchuck Chuck if a Woodchuck Could Chuck Wood?” Let’s see how you guys answered:
As you can see, most of you guys went with the logical answer. That’s my stance, too (a Woodchuck would chuck as much wood as a Woodchuck could chuck if a Woodchuck could chuck wood).
It also seems the same number of people are aware that there is a legit answer (700lbs) as the number who were unaware that Woodchucks exist.
But then there’s “Other”. None of these questions would be as great without you guys. Well...except one person *cough*bottom right*cough*...but whatever. So first up? A selection of others:
But my FAVORITE reply was this:
Sometimes, you guys are amazing, I swear. Alright, Groot, what’s next?
Oh yeah, What’s Your All-Time, Favorite Game SERIES? Let’s see how you guys voted:
Turns out your all a bunch of fucking nerds!! See TAY? THIS is why we don’t hang out.
You’re all a bunch of Jason Schreiers- constantly telling me to play Suikoden 2 and Persona and Trails in the Sky, the whole time all I hear is the incessant, slobbery, mouth noises from your unreasonably juicy face holes.
10.34% of you are just the best. We should hang, you seem really cool.
Now, there’s two I forgot to add to this graph. Call of Duty & Uncharted came dead last, with zilch, nothing, nada, 0%. Damn. NOBODY likes Uncharted?
My favorite Other choice? Easy:
I went through so many versions of “mom body”. There was a real voluptuous version, an athletic body, a skinny one, an obese one, a slob one. I figured they were all so wrong/rude with how they looked/what they implied. Eventually I decided to go with a more down-to-earth, pear-shaped Mom body. I think it’s a good general “mom”.
Maybe that was all unnecessary, but I had to explain it since this picture took the longest to make out of all of them.
There is a runner up/honorable mention here. This person also decided to take time and write their answer fully, so they get a shout out too.
Nice. Except the cake. Not sure what Portal you played, but I never got cake.
What were the rest? Mostly Zelda.
Actually, there were enough Zelda votes that it would place 3rd if I had included it.
The next one is so simple that I don’t need Groot this time, so I’ll just put up the next, totes-scientifically-accurate-and-to-scale graph:
Gotta say, I’m a little disappointed here. Not because of the Bayonetta love, that’s fine. She’s a badass killing machine and deserves acknowledgement for her murderous skill.
That said, she’s fictional. So is Rayne, Commander Shepard, Laura Croft, and Aloy (I won’t bring up Meryl Silverberg, since no one seems to care). All fictional.
You know what’s NOT fictional? America’s opioid epidemic. Sadly, that’s a VERY real problem affecting countless lives across the country. No matter how many angels or demons Bayonetta slaughters (or Reapers Shepard destroys or enemies Rayne slays or men Laura Croft arrows or dinobots Aloy...also arrows) she will NEVER rack up the very real body count of Black Tar Heroin.
I am so disappointed in you guys.
Okay, now we’ve reached the most important question of the WHOLE survey: Does this shirt make me look fat?
Let’s see who’s gonna win some cash and a new friend:
In case you don’t remember, the choices were:
1 )If by “fat” you mean “god-like with an Adonis-level body and Charisma cranked to 11" then, no. It doesn’t.
2) Pics or GTFO
3) It’s not the shirt, it’s all your fat that makes you look fat.
So... What’s my favorite “Other” this time?
That one cracked me up the most. In fact, I have a special reply, you sick, sick fuck:
Anyway, what did the rest of you say?
Gotta say, I love all of these. Great stuff, TAY. Real top notch.
Well, except one person...
This one really has me torn. On the one hand, maybe it’s just a super-nerd-level attempt at a joke (humor is hard with low-level aspergers) and I just don’t get it.
But on the other, what if they’re serious? What if it’s that “helpful dickhead” type person all over the internet. You know the type. They think their being helpful, but they just end up looking like an out-of-touch IDIOT.
It could go either way, really. All I know is that this dipshit doesn’t know a Spinal Tap reference when they see one.
I’m kidding, by the way. But you backed me into a corner So I had to rebuttal.
Well, that’s it for results today. I know we didn’t cover EVERY question, so if you’re interested in seeing the full breakdown check it out here:
Since this is so long, I’ll save the announcement of May’s first survey for a separate post, to give it room to breathe.
Feel free to leave a comment, let’s bullshit! Did you write any of my favorite answers? Let me know! Wanna tell me to get fucked withOUT a Guy Fawkes mask? Do it!
Thanks for reading!