Last week, I secretly collected data from unknowing participants of TAY on how to survive the impending Zombie Apocalypse. I did it
because I really just needed to know who I could trust to keep me alive for all of you because I worry about our collective well-being. The advice was shocking.
In the Zombie Apocalypse, TAY Should:
- Abracadaniel —The one answer that spoke about clean water sources, moonshine and ballerina sword fighting all in the same paragraph seems like survival rates would increase by 200%. If the zombies don’t kill us, the moonshine will or may make us stronger.
- AlltheseWords — is a realist. In a cure-less world, we need a hard dose of reality. AllTheseWords will deliver.
- Ishamael — Advice on remote cottages, getting out of the city, special weapons... it’s the works. Why wait for a Zombie Apocalypse? Sounds like a Party at Ishamael’s house as is!
- sfrost — This guy would set aside his dislike of Walmart for survival. That’s dedication. He’s right you know. Weapons in the back. Beans in the Grocery Section. Clean-ups in Aisle 9. He also loves Shaun of the Dead, which means when we’re quietly watching movies to bide the time, he’ll always have the best picks for his expert movie tastes.
- SupremeEvan — He laughs in the face of the Zombie Apocalypse but his confidence isn’t for show. Like sfrost, there are walmart or costco plans. Machetes. He’s Canadian. He’s another one we’ll be staying with in time, and he has invited us with warm hospitality. It’s a good thing we’re friends to Canadians, eh?
- Tygore — A quick thinker for every plausible scenario, the attention to carefully considering the differing variables makes me think Tygore is going to get us out alive. He’s the Professor Layton of TAY in the Zombie Apocalypse. I wonder if he wears a top hat too...
- Shardik the Manbear — Any chainsaw wielding Man Bear is the Man Bear for us. I believe in our mascot, who believes in us, who believes in chainsaws.
- Battleborn — He won’t be telling anyone his survival tips, leading me to believe he has none. That or he’s selfish. Either way, we could stalk him to figure out his secrets but it’s probably not worth our time. It’s a trap. I smell it.
- Kcet — who, while understands the dangers of jumping and climbing zombies, refers to them as ‘zambos’ and isn’t take this seriously. Or perhaps, this is all part of Kcet’s plan to confuse us with conflicting information about The Division skills and baseball bats.
- Nach — It’s troubling that he only wishes to sit back and enjoy the chaos. In an unrelated post (i.e. every conversation anyone’s ever had with him), Nach will be the one to most likely imagine you to be a chicken leg when delusions run high and food runs scarce.
- Umrguy — thinks zombies are “played out”, and will likely get you killed for this flippant attitude. However, if Robot Santa started attacking us, stick with Umr.
- Zarnyx — When I suggested we all carry toilet paper, I was thinking about roses. I swear!
- GiantboyDetective — seems to be infected by things greater than the Zombie Apocalypse already. He’s showing symptoms of the Kinjapocalypse. I hope none of you answered his Twilight Princess post yesterday, or else it’s too late for you. You’re infected now.
- Spacegar — who recommends you take The Grinder. Your survival rate will be higher though, if you are not a kid. Word on the street is, Gar trips you as a decoy for hangry zombies. So partner up with a kid. If you are a child, we’re so sorry for your imminent loss.
- Voltaire Crescent — who recommends you take those Mythbusters, but not a chainsaw. Actually, you’re on your own because he called dibs on Adam and Jamie. Counterpoint: I call dibs on Ash from Evil Dead with his Chainsaw Hand. Whatchu’ gon do suckaaaassss!
- Swansie — who recommends you bring Dean Winchester of Supernatural fame. But never Sam. Possibly Crowley. Also, someone with short legs. The slower they are, the more likely they will fall to the zombies giving you ample time to escape. Someone...like your little sister ಠ_ಠ, or a Habboi.
- Cheroro — who recommends Buster Bluth. His hook hand is off the chain, much like the juice and the parties. Army training and seal marksmanship helps. However, Chero Churritos are known to be pyromaniacs in the face of emergencies because of wills to live on the edge. He will burn you, himself, and everything down to the ground. Also thinks the Apocalypse is the “Aporkalypse”. Silly, Churrito. No one wants to outrun that.
- RT Lewis — who recommends no advice to survive the Apocalypse but to bring a copy of World War Z with you. ...Not sure if serious. On the one hand, a possible built-in guide in its pages. On the other hand, depressing ways we will die and that all hope is lost.
- Aestevalis — who recommends dressing up one of your friends as Santa Claus, and feeding him to the zombies. Christmas is dead, people. This is something Aest understands well. We won’t be needing Santa Claus where we’re going...
- UI 2.0 — The Mountains. Mysterious enough and no reason given but... okay. Who doesn’t trust UI 2.0? Battleborn, don’t answer that.
- DisturbedShadow — The Wilderness. Away from humans, and straight to the bears. Wait. Oh, right. Bears are our friends here on TAY. We good. Unless, they’re zombie bears in which case... DS is also leading us to a trap!
- AxelChildofDestiny — Florida. Because even Zombies are afraid of Florida Men. True story. Whether this is solid advice or not, only time will tell. I hope that time never comes.
- Katamari Damacy
- No music because won’t hear gnawing (or...)
- Entire music libraries on the convenience of one iPod
- Civilization Games
- The Flash
- Sonic the Hedgehog (if you can be Sonic, that’d work too)
- A Game of Chess
- Peggy Carter
- One Punch Man
- Persona 4: The Golden
- Spider Lamb
- Dead of Winter
- Binding of Isaac
- Aikage — As if we didn’t know this is how the world ends, not with a bang or a whimper but with an Infected Furby.
After compiling TAY’s advice, I’ve determined that...
Yep. We’re all doomed.
If I forgot someone’s advice from last week’s forum, let me know! And if anyone would like to offer some other advice, please feel free to leave it in the comments below. You can’t possibly mess this up more than what some of your other fellow TAY’ers have already done.
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