The casts of Persona 3 and Persona 4 will soon be dungeon crawling together with the release of Persona Q: Shadow of the Labyrinth. This is the perfect excuse to arbitrarily rank who has the best chance at making it out alive! ...Oh who are we kidding?

Ranking the Persona characters from worst to best based on things such as annoying voices, back-stories, date worthy social links, wing men capabilities, Akihiko’s coat shouldering, and hotness seems like a much better idea. You know, ranking them based on all the important things established through sound scientific reasoning and deductions*, but not actually based on the best stats or Persona. Psh. That would just be ridiculous.

This list will include my favourites from the 18 main members of the Persona 3 and 4 teams complete with opposing, hilarious commentary by UI.20. Light spoilers to follow for both Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3 and Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 4.

Poor Ken. His mother was an unfortunate, accidental casualty in the war against the Shadows. Perhaps more unfortunate was Ken’s grating, old man gravely, nasal sort of voice. There was possibly whining as well. He was Final Fantasy XIII’s Hope before Hope floats became the symbol for universal disdain. A dirty secret of mine is that I felt sorry for both characters, but clearly not enough to move Ken up on this list. I will save myself a ridiculing this day.

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I know I said I wanted to save myself a ridiculing and yet, here I am... putting Rise almost dead last. In fact, she should probably be last. Her faked soiree into stardom is not how I like my reality or pop stars. Gurl, get it together. You want a normal life? Networks drop people for that. Where’s the glitz!? The gossip!? The magazines with full frontal nudity and clown smiles à la Kim K. Phew, I misplaced my sense for a minute. No one wants to see that. But anyway. Yeah, Rise. The cutesy, starlet of the Persona 4 team was not for me. If I recall when I dated every single girl in my playthrough, she started talking about a white picket fence, house and 2.5 kids. I wasn’t ready for that. She sounded a little cray. I was scared and suffered commitment phobia. Ultimatums sorta have their ways of dissuading me.

UI 2.0: How could you say that about Rise! She’s an idol and almost succeeded in second questioning my choice in picking Yukiko.

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It was tragedy after tragedy with Yukari. There’s that really sad story involving her scientist father, an absentee mother…tragedy, as I said. But you know what I didn’t get? I didn’t get why she was a popular girl in school. Smarts, yeah. Energetic and driven it seemed to everyone, sure. Cute? Maybe. Still… apart from all those things she was supposed to be, she called Junpei “Stupei”. That angered my blood. Even if it was somewhat true. The real tragedy was her judgmental flawed personality.

UI 2.0: She automatically goes up, she’s the Pink Argus and therefore should rank higher

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So robotic, this one! Personality wise, movement wise, speech wise… huh? She is an android…? Well that explains a lot. It was also the reason I did not care much for Aigis. Her obsession with my character screamed stalker. Terrifying, stuff. Though not really because when her true reasoning behind this was revealed, I was touched. Truly. Her Persona, Palladion, was pretty cool looking though. There’s that! But we’re not ranking their Persona today so… there’s also that.

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Look, there’s nothing wrong with Yukiko and that’s precisely her problem. In my dating spree, breaking hearts ways of Persona 4, I felt so bad for leading her on that I chose to remain friends. She was the only person I remained friends with, and did not create a multiple save file for as I did with the others just to find out what happened with each girl. I just couldn’t do it to the sweet, polite girl-next-door with a strong head on her shoulders. I quickly made eyes at another and moved on. Kinda like now.

UI 2.0: She’s the type of girl, that probably can make a man feel like he’s worthless. She’s not to be messed with, so I’m dropping her down a notch. She’s the new 16

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It must suck being a support character sometimes. Your meek personality relegates you to the side lines, and you are also disgraced by having the most repetitive, Master-of-the-Obvious lines any writer can give you. I have a tiny soft spot for Fuuka — the poor girl trapped in Tartarus because of a bullying incident. Then stuck supporting so the hot red head could shine instead. The Persona 3 Team did you dirty, gurl. I will too, at the end of the day though… the red head is higher up on my list as a favourite character of mine. #Sorrynotsorry

Not too far away from Fuuka, another entry I will be persecuted for probably. The strong-willed, Commander-in-Hotness that is Mitsuru never bothered nor impressed me too much (her boots though...yes). Despite her elegant, collected exterior, she had a lot of problems and her family line caused a lot of problems. If ever a character was burdened with guilt, it was her. Do I feel guilty for leaving her so low? No.

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I liked Stupei. His low self-esteem issues and the stupid cap were things I could forgive. His love for Chidori however, made me love him a little bit less.

UI 2.0: Nah, he earned the title Stupei. He’s down a rank

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I am a heartless person for not putting a kick-ass dog at the top of my favourite list. Especially when that dog has little angel wings in addition to all the other cuteness he has going for him—that Knife-wielding, dangerous cuteness that would probably cut me. A dog that also had a Futurama Seymour complex. ...I am a heartless person, for sure.

The blue eyes, the golden hair, that frilly shirt… ::swoon:: Except there are so many other characters to adore but none I could swoon over as both a mascot and a clueless entity. Teddie is perfect in that regard. Silly looking, silly sounding, just plain silly—I probably would have dropped him much lower on this ranking if not for the fact that so many cringe worthy bear puns accompanied that little dancing bob animation of his.

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UI 2.0: Nope. Teddie is the icon of milking the Persona franchise. Therefore, he’s down to 17.

Cool kid, Shinjiro. Raspy voice, supposed delinquent, hands in pockets, beanie and coat stylin’ combination… he’s pretty awesome. Then, something something, possibly leaves your life; something something gives strength to others to carry on. Our time was short-lived Shinjiro, and I will continue to love you less than some other characters in your game series universe. But it doesn’t mean I’ll forget you.

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UI 2.0: He should have gone to school. He may have lived longer, so he’s #16 in my book.

Detectives are awesome. This alone gives Naoto an advantage over the other members of SEES and The Investigation Team. Super calm, super intelligent, direct… that voice. I adored the no nonsense, meticulous character traits Naoto was bestowed with. I also loved the sharp, put together style. I did. It was the hat. Hats are cool. No detective should go without a hat when sleuthing.

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Well this is awkward. Disliking the protagonist of Persona 3 is akin to disliking myself. I think? Luckily for me, that’s not what I’m saying here. Although I am struggling with determining whether I love him more than Yu, the protagonist of Persona 4. As I said before, I’ve always felt something of a disconnect to Makoto (...uh, or whatever name he has been given since the original game) through no real fault of his own. While he does have more of personal story that actually affects a huge part of the world of Persona, he spent a lot of his time just being the aloof party member (imo, anyway) which is completely fine for the great, darker story of Persona 3. Maybe I just don’t want to admit aloud I really like Ryoji more. Whoops.

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Not by any means a cooler design than Persona 3’s protagonist, nor cooler personality-wise for the most part… there was a moment in Persona 4 that sealed in a little bit of affection I felt for Yu, Persona 4’s Protagonist. It was that moment when he ate the really bad food the girls cooked and he keeled over. I laughed. It was a comedic scene that really has been done so many times before but for some reason, the apprehension was there in the simplest of ways, including the scripted choices to eat or not to eat, that made the scene great. Then there were the variety show moments... The madness of what the game did to Yu was hilarious and a bit super serious too depending on your choices. But who could lead him down such a dark path at the end of the game after the keeling over incident? I sure couldn’t. He had been down a dark enough path as is.

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Apparently, I got problems. I liked Yosuke which I suspect is not something I might want to say out loud. He was a tad annoying, kinda selfish and slightly snooty, but he also gave us Junes. Every day was great when Yosuke was around. I liked having a wing-man, and a fool who constantly got me in trouble with the girls. That’s probably what it was. I really don’t have any other excuses.

If this was the list where I rank the girls and guys of Persona 3 and 4 based solely on date worthy material, I’d probably rank Akihiko at the top. He’s got all the traits I adore in an anime-styled character — okay, maybe just the one: silver/white hair. That’s all he needed (not really)! But then he went ahead and had an awesome factor to him as well. Boxer, great voice, a sweetheart even though he was perceived as a stud… just an all round great guy. Outwardly confident but still brooding in the non-emo sort of way, troubled and shy around the ladies. Akihiko is cool even when he thinks he’s not.

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I know what you’re thinking. You’re right. This list is kinda like who the best girl or guy in Persona is and you’ve all been tricked! No, wait! Hear me out. It’s Chie! Friggin’ Chie: With her meat-eating loving ways, punting abilities and the martial artist extraordinaire. The tough girl Chie is the one I want helping me out yet she’s really just a donk. Cool jacket, fiercely protective and you know she’s cute. She’s a best friend, really and truly.

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Hells yeah, Kanji!!! I don’t know if I love anyone more than the abrasive, hilarious, dangerous, mean-looking Kanji. His scenes are usually the funniest in either of the games, and he can seem a little rough around the edges but he’s got a heart of gold. He’s the one character who I wouldn’t mind hanging out with all the time.

UI 2.0: Kanji ranks 10 in my book. He tries hard, he really does but he’s no number 1. That spot belongs to...

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Why? He’s got Margaret and Elizabeth as his personal assistants. Also, he transcends far beyond just Persona 3 and 4. He’s in all of them. He nose what’s up.

...Well, I can’t really argue with that.

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That’s it! It’s almost it? I know, Elizabeth, Margaret and Theodore may be missing from this list. But are they really missing? Did you check the Velvet Room? UI’s house? Or the park slide? That place is a pretty popular dating spot.

If you find them**, add them to your rankings lists we’d love to read from you in the comments below! Or you know, proceed with the pitch forks and the burning with fire of this Persona favourite characters rankings.

But please, just...spare our faces.

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*Disclaimer: No science was harmed or used in the creation of this list.

**Oh hey, we found them.

Images are the property of their respective owners. Source : http://www.atlus.com/personaq/home.…

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