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The Guide to Masculinity -- Doors, and how to Use Them

Illustration for article titled The Guide to Masculinity -- Doors, and how to Use Them

Oh, hello there. I heard you coming as soon as you began pulling up the driveway. My driveway, as you have probably guessed by now, is made completely of live beavers, which is why you heard rampant, beaver fear-music from in front of your car and the haunting sound of utter silence from behind it. Well done, murderer. Also, screams are fear-music, take note of that.


But, you know, this driveway is just one of the many things on my property that has been structured to fit my Guide to Masculinity. In fact, before you enter my humble abode, let me first take time to talk to you about doors and how those truly masculine use them — by not using them at all.

Judging by the sheer look of terror you have, which should not be because of all those innocent woodland creatures you rolled right over just moments ago — you've had plenty of time to mourn them, the flashback and nightmares are normal — you have most assuredly noticed that the exterior of my home is filled with holes. Or, rather, it's devoid of most of the walls, which makes this not just a structural nightmare but kill box. And that would be an accurate statement if this were any other person's home and not mine.


You see, this home stands because it knows it must, that it possesses the strength to do so. Why is that? Because I taught it to believe so — by never using a door.

You see, houses mocks people daily. These buildings spend their lives witnessing just how weak and feeble people are. When we want protection from the cold, we simply turn on the heat, inside the house, to warm up. And if we need to cool off, in the summer, we simply close the windows and turn on the AC. We store our provisions inside here, make our roost. And, most of the time, during some natural disasters, we usually take shelter inside of them. They know we rely on them for protection, for life.


So then, what does a house think of a man that, instead of using a door to enter his home, he simply takes a step toward it, and bursts through a wall? The house realizes that it is not needed to sustain this person's life — but it can't look weak in front of its house friends.

That is also why you'll notice several sheds on my property. There are no homes near mine, so I built them to mock this home should it fall.


This is how you use doors as a man of manliness, full of masculinity. Not only do you burst with rippling action every time you do so, but you also show these inanimate objects who is in charge.

Do you hear me, house?! I own you! You belong to me!

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