Oh, hello again, my friends. You caught me in the middle of enjoying the most succulent bottle of juiced panda I've ever tasted. But, did you know that life wasn't always so great for me? No, I couldn't just hand-crush any animal I saw fit to drink. But I did it anyway, because life has always been this great.
So, today, I'm going to take a trip with you. Not just any trip, mind you. No, this is a journey about my inner workings. A trip about what goes on in my head — that takes place in your head!
In order for us to take this trip, I want you to close your eyes. Now imagine all the wondrous things I'm writing that you can't read. Now open your eyes! I didn't write much and for that I apologize. Now onto the meaty thickness of my post!
The first thing that most of you should know about me is that everything is a weapon. Magazines, guns, babies. Anything I can lift and hurl at someone minding their own business is a weapon. Even myself. One time I was approached by a lady-person and asked to make a donation to the Salvation Army. Feigning defeat, I reached back for my wallet, but it was a clever ruse, as I ripped off my legs and beat her to death!
The pain was indescribable, as it consisted of incoherent screams and pleads about her family. So, there ya go. Family and screams equal pain. Also there was tons of blood.
MMMM. Yes. I remember that day vividly. That's how I got my plans for how to create my wedding. Screams, family and copious amounts of blood. Because, let's face it. Once the ceremony begins I'll be the only one who makes it out alive.
The flower girl — oh, the flower girl. She'll die first.
Anyway. Yeah, I soldered my legs back on after I killed the lady. Manliness!
Well, I hope the first leg of the adventure was to your liking. I know it was for me. I think. Did I enjoy this? Yes, my biceps are fully erect and demand satisfaction. This is good.