If you have managed to tear yourself away from Splatoon’s addictive multiplayer modes and funky fresh boutiques then you have no doubt tried out the wonderfully crafted single player campaign. If you own the game and you haven’t given it a chance you really need to do so.
I’ll just wait here until you’re done.
Done? Good. Though if you’re not, be warned that the information we are about to discuss deals with the hidden Sunken Scrolls from the single player adventure. Spoilers abound. If you want to discover them yourself and be amazed then stop reading this article. GET OUT OF HERE.
If you’re still reading then you’ve found all of the Sunken Scrolls, or you just don’t care if you see them. Either way I’m proud of you. The scrolls are more of a backstory than anything else and you don’t even get anything for finding them all, which was a bit of a let down. They are terribly interesting though. Terribly terribly interesting.
That being said, there are quite a few scrolls that I’m not going to mention, because they really bring nothing to the table that we didn’t already know. Squids love fashion, squids love music, Squids have ink, and so on. We don’t need to discuss those. But I decided the pages that are noteworthy can be grouped into three different sections. Let’s start with the fact that...
You, me, your best friend. Dead. That guy with the lazy eye who works at the deli. Dead. Everyone! Not only because Splatoon takes place thousands of years in the future (and chances are you won’t live that long), but also because everyone else apparently has drown.
Though according to this scroll we didn’t necessarily drown, as there still seems to be some dry land that we could have survived atop. So maybe we starved or killed each other Mad Max style. It’s not clear. What is clear is that all land creatures are gone. The only reason I say that humans might not be completely extinct is that, unlike most other land creatures, we have the intelligence to travel into space. So maybe we’re not all dead! Maybe somewhere out in space the human race lives on.
Or maybe we’re all dead.
Now this page shows someone playing with a Wii U, which means our impending doom is likely not far off. It’s not like people don’t play games on old consoles, it’s just my theory. So let’s just take a stab at a year of extinction and say it’s... oh... 2020. If that’s the case then Splatoon probably takes place around the year 14020.
I guess we had a good run.
Despite being advanced sea creatures with some amazing future technology, squids and octopi aren’t exactly the smartest mollusks. It seems in the beginning, before the rising sea levels, they got along just fine.
Then the humans left/died out and the sea creatures started to squabble over the remaining land. I guess they’re no better than us. Who has the small brains now?!
The Octarians gained the upper hand from the get go, thanks to the Inklings poor choice to sleep in instead of battle. Tsk tsk. What a bunch of lazy hipsters. While the Inklings were sleeping, the Octarians decided to build motorless machines. Machines that worked none the less. Inconceivable!
Though it seems that even after creating impossibly brilliant technology they were still brought down by a simple lack of electricity...
Maybe THAT’S why they stole all the Zapfish from the Inklings this time around. So they wouldn’t have to worry about running out of power. The Octarians, after their great loss, were forced to flee underground. Though it seems that under the surface of the earth are now floating islands with a sky and everything. Maybe it’s all just a simulation.
It’s too bad we they couldn’t just get along and share the land. But then we wouldn’t have a single player mode... Hmm.
Remember when I said that all land creatures were dead? I lied. There is one left. Everyone’s favorite bow tie and suspender wearing (not really, it’s just his fur) cat, Judd, has been around for a long long time. How long? Oh, roughly 12,000 years. I’ve heard of cats outliving dogs, but this is ridiculous.
As you can see from his previous owners notes, the impending sea levels were a’comin’ and all the big wigs didn’t care. I mean who wants to listen to academic types? Buncha nerds.
And thus Judd’s owner had to make the hardest decision of his life. To put his cat in suspended animation for 10,000 years. At which time he would probably wake up and drown as well. He’s like some futuristic Schrödinger’s cat.
Not only did Judd survive being more or less frozen for 10,000 years, that mother fluffer went on to live another 2,000 years on sure will power. The scroll below is 2,000 years old and it very promptly shows an Egyptian style Judd tipping the scales at an early Turf War.
It can’t be his ancestor, because Judd is the only cat left in the world, remember? And with his immortal body and knowledge of flag waving Judd went on to assist the squids in every major battle for the next 2,000 years.
I think it’s pretty much a given that Judd is a god at this point. All hail Judd - the cat who lived.
For anyone who would like to see all of the Sunken Scrolls with their research notes, I’ve created an album that you can scroll through. Also, feel free to try and decipher the written squid language. I’ve been trying for weeks with no luck. Enjoy!
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For more silly gaming musings you can follow GBD on Twitter @SuperBentendo