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The Things Will Carried: Box on Legs

So I took the week off last week due to that little thing called Thanksgiving. I am thoroughly ashamed of myself. But now the show will go on.


In talking about the last time I guffawed in the Open Forum yesterday at Zarnyx’s behest, I remembered the last time I saw Will in person. So I will tell that story. It might end up being a two parter, but we she see how I feel and how long it gets.

Now the story begins far away from Will’s Hollywood Florida abode. We start in Clermont at the place my wife and I used to rent. Will had moved out a month or so previously, but it worked out perfectly. We were going to hit up a convention in Miami and needed a place to crash. Will’s dad who owns the place told me I could stay there. This story will be a long tale about a coworker of mine and the drive down to Miami followed by Will being amazing at the very end.

So here we go. I had a coworker who was really into anime and especially Sailor Moon. So this particular convention had most of the voice actors from the original, terrible dub of Sailor Moon. She found out my wife, roommate and I were going and asked if she could hitch a ride and go as well and take her boyfriend if it was ok. She seemed ok, was nice enough at lunch, so I said she could as long as both paid for gas and such.

That was a terrible idea, she is the reason my wife and roommate made a new rule about road trips. We are never allowed to go on a roadtrip with anyone under the age of 25 ever again.


So first, let’s say that my coworker had semi-invited herself to this trip. She asked and really wanted to go. So the day comes that we are driving down, it was a Friday and I had taken the day off to get an early start (it was like a four-five hour drive to Miami) but my coworker did not. So we are waiting for her, and she texts me to tell me she will be even later than she thought (she had said noon, ended up showing up around 3 p.m.).

As soon as she walks through the door and meets my roommate and wife she starts complaining about how she would have to pay me for the trip to Miami. You know, despite the fact that she asked me, multiple times, if she could come. She also starts complaining about how I had said she needed to take out cash to pay me because I don’t take credit cards.


We all just wanted to go at this point so we just say whatever and start moseying on out the door. I ask my wife if she wants a drink for the road. Mistake number one. After giving my wife her requisite Dr. Pepper and she walks out the door, Box on Legs reappears at the door and says, “do you have a drink in there for me?”

I am a little taken aback (and cheap) so I offer her a cool-aide pack or a water. She notices the green tea snapple I have in my hand and asks if I have another. I do but I tell her no. She comes into the house and looks into the refrigerator and sees the one in there. I tell her the snapple is mine (it is my one indulgence, don’t judge me) and she can have a water or cool-aide. She takes two cool-aides and a water from the fridge.


We get to the car and she starts getting in, but her car is parked behind mine, and funny thing about this house, it has a really long one lane driveway. So we tell her she has to back her car out and then pull it in after we get our car out.

She says to us, “You know I’m a new driver right?” like this matters at all to the basic requirements of having a license. She moves her car with no problems despite her “new driver” status.


So now we are off and running. Everything is going smooth so far. We get on the turnpike and start heading south. My roommate starts talking to Box on Legs about Japanese and Korean music. Because they are both into those things and my roommate has visted both countries and her best friend lives in Japan right now. Box on Legs only wants to talk about one band she knows and likes that is super old. My roommate keeps saying they are good, but what about X band or Y band or Z band. Box on Legs will not talk about anything else but the one band.

We get to her boyfriend’s home (he lives with his parents apparently) and before I pull into the driveway Box on Legs informs me, “his driveway goes up a little bit and can be tricky, you don’t have to pull in, you can wait in the road we will be out quickly.”


I can see this “going up a little bit” it is nothing. But I figure it will be easier to just get going if I stay in the road. So she gets out and goes inside. While we are waiting I kind of have to pee. I figure I can wait til we get back on the turnpike and hit a reststop. 15 minutes later I see a port-o-potty next to a neighbors house that is under construction, so I get out of the car and go pee because they still aren’t out of the house yet.

We finally see them come out of the front door, then they put their bags down and go around to the back of the house. We have no idea why. 10 minutes later they come back around and grab their bags. They go back into the house. We call Will to tell him we will be late. They come out of the house and get in the car finally.


We get back on the turnpike and boyfriend (who is actually a perfectly cool guy who has since broken up with Box on Legs) hasn’t had dinner yet and asks if we can stop at the next rest stop and get a quick bite to eat. So we stop. He gets some Burger King while the girls go to the restroom. I watch five minutes of My Little Ponies on the TV on the wall. We leave the rest stop and start driving. Boyfriend forgot his soda in the rest stop.

Boyfriend is totally ok with that and realizes it was his fault. No need to stop and go back. Box on Legs is furious and wants him to go back and get it. He does not. About an hour later she bitches that she is thirsty.


I will leave it there for now. Let me just say, Box on Legs gets EVEN BETTER on this trip, and I watch League of Their Own with Will while sleeping in the same bed as him. So make sure you tune in next week.

If you missed a week, I’ve got you covered.


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