Last week I left you all stuck in a car with probably the most annoying person I have ever met. This week we get to finish that drive, and see Will!
So we are still on our way to Miami, and with the whole drink controversy settled, it is time for Box on Legs to start her normal conversation with her boyfriend. Now boyfriend is totally cool. Very respectful, very nice, understands that they are getting a ride from someone. He also is a total pushover for Box on Legs.
We are driving in a Ford Freestyle, which has three rows of bucket seats. Our roommate, God bless her soul, was stuck alone in the back, while Box on Legs and BF were in the middle row. So we all had perfect surround seats for this fun conversation between the two lovebirds.
BOL: I wish I had pretty eyes.
BF: You do have pretty eyes.
BOL: No, I mean I wish I had pretty purple eyes.
That is when she earned her second nickname: I wish I had pretty eyes. To this day we cannot go a week without someone in my house walking through the living room going, “I wish I had pretty eyes”.
But alas, it would continue to get worse. We start getting close to our exit. Will lived in Hollywood, Fl. So that was where we were going. Box on Legs had lived in the Miami area growing up, so she had a few things to say the closer we got to Will’s house. Here is a list of things she said the closer we got.
BOL: We’re entering Holly Hood... hahaha, oops I meant Hollywood. (in the most like ditsy mean girlsyest voice possible.)
BOL: I hope I don’t see XXX or XXX while we are here. I’d have to just stab them.
BOL: something something Holly Hood something something.
There were more, but I have blocked them out of my memory. Poor roommate, she couldn’t escape back there by herself.
So we finally reach Will’s house at like 10 p.m. Remember Box on Legs was at least THREE HOURS LATE for the trip. So we get our stuff and get out of the car. I had parked right in front of Will’s SUV, and I looked over and saw his windshield was just smashed. Big cracks all through it.
So we walk over to the door and Will comes out and I ask him what happened to the windshield. He looks me dead in the eye and says, “Windshield, you didn’t notice the hood?”
I immediately run back to the car. The hood is caved in. It looks like a giant boulder had crashed on it. The car was fine outside of that though. The hood had only caved as far as the top of all the important engine bits, so his car still ran fine. But the hood and windshield were just obliterated.
He runs over to the car behind me as I am gasping for air I am laughing so hard and just jumps onto the dented hood with a THUNK. Then slides off and says:
“Yeah the clip on the hood has been broken forever so I used to tie it down. But one day while I was driving on the freeway it came untied and just shot up and shattered my windshield. I had to drive like three miles with my head out the window to see. Luckily I didn’t hit anybody.”
I’m pretty sure I kissed Will after he said that, but I can’t remember. I was far too happy at the moment.
That happiness would not remain. Box on Legs and boyfriend were hungry. They wanted me to drive them to the nearest McDonald’s or Wendy’s. I told them I wasn’t driving anywhere, but we were headed down to the Pier with Will and there should be food there.
They just want to eat super cheap, so driving to one of those places would be better. Will informs them there is a Subway and Wendy’s and such at the Pier. They reluctantly agree.
So we start the five block walk to the beach/Pier and we get about halfway there and boyfriend decides to chime in. “I’m not sure we are properly defended here.”
The rest of us give him a WTF look.
“I don’t think we are safe, this is a rough neighborhood.”
Will brushes it off. He has walked this way thousands of times and no one has ever bothered his super white, super easy to rob looking ass.
Boyfriend is unsatisfied, but can’t really do much else but follow. We make it to the beach with no problems as Will points to a local hotel and says, “I worked as a poolboy at that place for a couple of months,” as he chuckles.
We get to the Pier and are looking for food now, because it is 11 p.m. and we are waking up at like 6 or 7 a.m. to go to a convention. We see a Subway and other cheap options down the way, so we start to make our way towards them.
My roommate and I notice a nice little sushi place along the way. We stop and say we are going to get something from there, and my wife sees a pizza place literally next door and says she is getting a couple of slices. Will is heading to Subway because he is cheap.
Literally five minutes after deciding this, Box on Legs and her boyfriend notice the sushi place and come up to me real quiet like. “Can we eat at this sushi place?”
I inform them that my roommate and I will be and the other two have already decided on what they want, so get whatever you want. They get a table at the sushi place. After laughing over how they wanted to “go to McDonald’s” for about 10 minutes my roommate and I join them and order our food.
So we all eat, the sushi was good, and we start walking back towards Will’s place on the Pier. Box on Legs and boyfriend look at Will, “Can we walk on the beach?”
Will gives them a look I can only describe as, “how did you find someone dumber than me” look and tells them that yes, it is a public beach and you are allowed to walk on it.
So they go off a little ways and walk on the beach. We continue to make fun of them for wanting to each cheap and then picking a sushi restaurant. We finally make it back to Will’s house around midnight.
Now, again we are getting up super early the next day, so we are all planning to go to bed fairly quickly. But apparently Box on Legs and boyfriend are having a mini fight in the kitchen.
Now let me explain Will’s place to you. There is a very small living room openly connected to an even smaller kitchen. There is a tiny bathroom off the kitchen that connects to a good sized bedroom. That is the whole house. It is maybe 600 square feet.
We are sitting in the living room talking and joking, and these two are in the kitchen, like 10 feet away, having a silent fight. They literally are just like half whispering, half glaring at each other across the tiny kitchen table as the rest of us sit in the living room pretending not to notice.
FINALLY they come out of the kitchen and get ready for bed. Will has two small couches, a twin sized mattress on the ground and his king sized bed. my roommate and wife take the two couches and Box on Legs and her boyfriend take the mattress on the floor. I obviously take the king sized bed with Will.
So Will and I start watching A League of Their Own on TV to help fall asleep when I get a text from my wife.
Wife text: There is a weird noise coming from the mattress!
Wow, this has gotten really long, so I will pick it up again with the finale next week. Until then enjoy that cliffhanger!
If you missed a week, I’ve got you covered.