I'm really feeling it!

I got dumped recently. I got dropped like a flaming bag of diarrhea. Discarded like spoiled yogurt. Tossed aside like chewed up gum. Through the bouts of weeping, anger, and general self loathing, I remembered this app called Tinder that I used to hear so much about. As I was too depressed to play other games, I figured a mobile game could help me forget instead.

Tinder is a massively multiplayer online role playing game that you can play on your smartphone. The gameplay is very simple to pick up and play. All you do is view avatar after avatar of other players and either swipe left or right on the picture. Swipe left to decline engagement, but swipe right to indicate that you’re open to duel. If the opposite party also swipes right, then you engage in battle.


Once you start playing, you quickly notice that Tinder is an MMO with a fantasy setting. The avatars you encounter are of your usual Tolkien inspired races; elves, pixies, orcs, treants, and so on. I ended up going with an undead hobbit kind of thing myself. Along with the portrait, players are also allowed a few characters to write in a bio. Most don’t write anything at all. Some only write in what I can only assume to be a measurement of height.

Even though the gameplay is simple, the difficulty itself is set very high and there are no difficulty settings. Tinder is primarily PVP focused, there is a PVE element in the form of bots, but these bots do not allow you to advance in levels past level one. They exist only to give the player a preview of how things might look like outside of the tutorial area. Unlike a traditional MMO, you’re dependent on other players in order to advance. But from what I understand, there have been a significant percentage of players who have discovered what I can only assume to be an exploit of some sort. This exploit allows them to skip all the way to the final boss.

The price for defeat on Tinder is arguably more severe than in a traditional MMO. A traditional MMO might make it so you lose all your stuff, or you lose experience points. Only the kindness and interest of strangers can help you advance. Remaining in the tutorial area for extended periods of time or receiving a match to engage in, only to retroactively be declined to battle, can have quite a negative impact on individuals. These negative impacts can manifest themselves both mentally and physically. All I can recommend is this. Do not go in with the expectation of success, in fact, expect to fail.


There’s plenty to nitpick. If you role play as a heterosexual male, expect to always have to initiate combat first. Your opening offensive needs to show sufficient skill, otherwise you automatically concede. Playing defense, however, is out of the question. The app also maintains a freemium business model, limiting the amount challenges a player can issue. Paying removes this limit along with other supplying other features that help to increase one’s chances of engaging in a match. However, many players also tend to have pictures featuring all of their party members, making it difficult to ascertain who you’re actually challenging. The number of duck faced avatars are also at an alarming amount.

But despite all this, it did succeed in taking my mind off my plight, at least for a moment. Bojack Horseman and Tell’em Steve Dave helped more, admittedly. But Tinder is strangely addictive to me, despite still being stuck in the tutorial area. Only one seemingly non-robotic individual has ever started a match with me. But quickly realized the mistake she made and backed out. I’ll be honest though, if I discover the exploit to advance straight to the final boss, Mrs Whiskers, I don’t think I’ll report it.


Papito Qinn is the winner of the 2016 SpookTAYcular Scary Story Contest, and a twitter incompetent. Social media in general seem to scare and confuse him.

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