I'm really feeling it!
I'm really feeling it!
Illustration for article titled uPlay Is One Of The Worst Things Ever Made!

I was going to write a first impressions article for FarCry 3: Blood Dragon, but uPlay has given me so many problems and headaches that I can't do so. I'll talk about the game a little bit later in the article, but first, this is my uPlay experience from Hell.

1. I bought FarCry 3: Blood Dragon on Steam for $4.75. I'd heard good things about it, so I was excited to play it the moment it finished installing.
2. When I tried to play the game, Steam informed me that I'd need to use a third-party access key... This worried me, because the only other time I'd had to use one of those was with a free copy of Dirt 3 I got, which forced me to go through a (terrible) Games For Windows Live Service.
3. So whatever. I download this uPlay shit, knowing it'll probably harass my computer with slowdown, pop-up ads, constant "update now!" prompts and the other typical shit that comes with half-assed software.
4. It asks me to make an account, so I do so - trouble is, the service won't let me select a country, making me unable to proceed. I reload it, uninstall and reinstall it, the whole shebang - still doesn't let me create an account.
5. Luckily though, I remembered that I'd signed up for uPlay once, since they had a free game offer on at the time (which they never honoured). So I search my old junk e-mail account and found my log-in info on Page 8.
6. I log in, try to copy/paste the code. uPlay doesn't let you paste. Huh.
7. So I paste it onto Skype, can try and type it from there. Trouble is, the fucking uPlay window can't be resized (at least not on my moniter, since the corner I'd normally drag to resize vertically was hidden below the taskbar).
8. Instead, I have to copy/paste the code onto Wordpad in such a way that only three characters go on each line, because the fucking uPlay window takes up the screen like some asshole takes all the prime rib at Golden Corral.
9. So once I FINALLY get the code typed in, it tells me the code is invalid. Engage epic rage mode.
10. I try every possible format - all caps, no caps, no hyphons, everything.
11. My account gets a 60-minute ban from uPlay for trying to enter an "invalid code" too many times.
12. I play other games on Steam instead while I wait for dumbfuck uPlay to un-ban me. Intrusion 2 and Jamestown are very good games, FYI.
13. I try entering the code again after the ban has expired. Nothing doing.
14. I take the hyphons out, and try again. No luck.
15. Then, feeling like a badass, I type the hyphons back in. NOW IT SUDDENLY DECIDES THE CODE IS VALID!!!!!! HALLELUJAH!
16. So, I played Blood Dragon for a while. It opens really great - has this great 16-bit animated cinematic showing Toronto getting nuked, then the game starts with you in a helicopter firing a laser gatling gun at robots to the tune of Long Tall Sally by Little Richard. I felt a child-like feeling of glee as my inner 80's (I was born in the 90's, but weened on 80's action flicks) came all over the monitor.
17. So, I was going to play the game all weekend and write a right-proper review, but guess what? THE GAME DIDN'T SAVE. I tried to manually save, but it told me I had to rely on the checkpoints while mid-mission... Trouble is, it seems the checkpoints never actually saved. So while I should be continuing on with beating this game again, I now have to replay the first two hours again, because uPlay's cloud save feature (or whatever the hell) doesn't work right.

So in short, DRM is fucking terrible. I wish publishers could understand that shit like this is what makes people feel zero guilt about piracy. Ubisoft has been #1 in complaining about PC piracy, but then they go and design this ass-backwards, non-functioning piece of garbage in uPlay that actively makes game that you've paid money for worse than any version you could pirate online. Great job, Ubisoft. I'll be sure to avoid your products in the future.

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