Warner Bros., I hear you have a new film in the Harry Potter franchise coming out soon. That’s exciting! It’s been a while. I’m dying to get back to Hogwarts and see Harry and Hermio—-oh. It’s not about them? It’s set in New York, in the 1920s? Hey, that’s fine! This one still looks cool. It will probably make you a ton of money. Hell yeah! $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$
But listen! Listen. Listen. Listen.
How much do you love money? I mean, how much do you LOVE money, you know?
A lot, right? Like, if we were to put a number on it, could we say, a shit load? Dump trucks worth? Give me something tangible here, WB.
I mean, you know what color money is, right?
Green, baby. Green.
Let me set the stage for you:
Back in 2011, y’all made an attempt at a Green Lantern movie. It was pretty bad. Thin plot, odd CGI looking costume, cheap special effects; not a winner. And I’ll never forget how much those crappy Mattel Green Lantern action figures utterly clogged the toy aisles and warmed the pegs. But I applaud you for trying! Green Lantern is a tough cookie to sell to a mass audience, but who knows, maybe the next one will work.
We have another 10 years until the reboot, right? Something like that? Oy. I’ll probably be dead by then. So let’s speed this thing along.
For the executives reading this that that don’t know, Green Lantern is a DC Comics property that started way back in the late 1930s. The original Green Lantern, Alan Scott, wielded a magic (hint, hint) ring that could obey his commands. He also had the best costume ever.
Eventually, DC Comics rebooted the character, and he became Hal Jordan, part of the Green Lantern Corps, a bunch of intergalactic space cops. The “magic ring” was now a tool used by all members of the Green Lantern Corps, able to bring the wearer’s thoughts to life through sheer willpower. Later additions to the mythos would expand on this idea, adding a whole color wheel of Lanterns, each color being an embodiment of the emotional spectrum. For our purposes, all you need to know is that Yellow Rings belonging to the Sinestro Corps are powered by fear, and Black Lantern rings are the embodiment of death and bring the dead back to life.
(I know, I know. Death isn’t an emotion. But, you know. Comics.)
Recently, Sony Pictures $green$lit *nudges you* a 21 Jump Street/Men in Black crossover.
Sony is also allowing their boy, Spider-Man, to finally crossover into the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
My point is this: crossovers are where it’s at!
So, right now, you’re Warner Bros. Entertainment, and your DC Cinematic Universe is starting to worry people. I won’t list the offenses; we all know them. The time for “wait and see” is over. It’s time to take action, damn it. (Suicide Squad looks fun though!)
So you have a long awaited reboot, and Harry Potter, a license to print money. Time to get your peanut butter in your chocolate.
But I won’t just explain, no, no. I’m going to show you exactly why you’d be stupid not to do this.
Get that checkbook ready.
EXT. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry
5 Years After the Battle of Hogwarts
HARRY POTTER, 24, walks beside his best friend, RON WEASLEY. It has been 5 years since they graduated from Hogwarts, and they have gathered for a Class Reunion. They now both work as Aurors; law enforcement for The Ministry of Magic
Ey’ you ginna finish that ‘Arry?
(glances at his chocolate frog)
What? Oh, you go ahead, Ron.
Bloody brilliant. You all right, ‘Arry?
Oh. Yeah. Just thinking. About how things used to be.
(sits down on the ground)
Bloody dangerous, I’d say.
(glances at his wand)
Yeah, I suppose.
Suddenly, a voice echoes through Harry’s head. A voice he knows.
Harry Potter, come to die...
Harry raises his wand, instinctively.
The air snaps. A blast of green energy speeds towards Harry and Ron. Harry raises his wand and screams.
A wash of red energy blankets Harry and Ron, and the green light bounces away, crashing into a nearby tree, splitting it in half.
It can’t be.
It is. Voldemort. He’s back.
Hard Cut to TITLE CARD
So there’s a brief teaser, completely for free. Imagine popping a trailer of that bad boy onto the Internet. Toss in some epic music. You know the drill. Pretty snazzy, right? Voldemort is back, and he’s PISSED. Oh no!
But wait, you say. Where does the Green Lantern stuff come into play?!
Don’t worry, I’ve got that covered. Since I know you are going to want to novelize this blockbuster as a new Harry Potter book too, I’ve also taken care of the prose for you, which will explain the hook. We can hammer out the details later. Right now, it’s all about BLOWING MINDS.
(Also, let’s save some money and keep J.K. Rowling out of this. I won’t tell her if you won’t. Besides, we can just say that since this is a novel based on the MOVIE universe, it’s TOTALLY OK and she can’t stop us.)
Voldemort winced and laughed as Hermione stood over him. “Not...bad…for a filthy…mud bl…” Hermione pointed her wand without hesitation. Harry, still reeling from the stab wound Voldemort gave him earlier, pleaded.
“No…Hermione…” Harry said.
She ignored him.
“Sectumsempra!” she screamed, cutting off his slur. The skin on Voldemort’s chest slid open and blood spilled onto the floor.
Voldemort let out a cough. “Perhaps…you will make a fine…Death-Eater...”
Hermione’s eyes went wide and she stepped back, unable to breathe.
Suddenly, a beam of yellow light shot from the sky and slammed into Voldemort, blinding both Hermione and Harry.
A voice boomed.
“Tom Riddle of Earth, you have the ability to instill great fear. Welcome to the Sinestro Corps.”
Whoa! Tom Riddle in the Sinestro Corps? He controls fear! What are Harry and the gang going to do!? Are you shitting yourself? I know I am.
It’s time, Bros.
Also, here’s a good bonus tip. The post-credit sequence (because all of these movies need those now), will be a Black Lantern ring, (remember, the Deathy-Dead ones I mentioned earlier?) smashing into Dumbledore’s coffin, attaching itself to that withered hand of his, and saying, “Professor Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore…RISE!”
The theater will lose its fucking mind!
Think of the merchandising possibilities! Lantern Corps Sorting Hat! Green Lantern Wedding Rings! New Mountain Dews! Other stuff!
You’ll each be able to buy a small island by the time this thing is done pumping out dollars, trust me.
So do the right thing. Make this crossover happen. Call it something subtle but obvious, like, Harry Potter and the Green Lantern. Don’t let Sony piss all over you.
I want it. The people want it. You want it. Until then, I’ll keep writing these letters.
You can’t silence me forever!
Reminder: This could be YOU.
Poey Gordon is a journalist, poet, and fiction writer living in the Bay Area.
Follow him on Twitter at ThePoey for more about comics, Gilligan’s Island 2K1 fan fiction, or decades old Simpson’s quotes.