In the Summer, there’s a yearning to dip in its shimmering blue depths. In the Winter, to skate upon its icy, frosted wonder.

Where would we be without sufficient water? Dead. That’s where. We’d be the subject of an alien civilization’s curiosity—searching out life in icy particles they happened to stumble upon on some red, dusty rock somewhere—we’d be the new Mars.

What else makes water dabes? Everything. Every. Damned. Thing.

Cry Me a River

To prove to you just how excellent water is, here are a bunch of things you’d surely miss if you didn’t have it. With loose science involved.

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  • Cows → Milk → Clotted Cream → [Kerrygold] Butter → Ice-Cream → Salted Caramel Gelato → Pizza → An Adequate Use of Pepperoni → Burgers → Mario Kart 8’s Moo Moo Meadows
  • Pigs → Bacon → Pork Belly → Pork → bánh mì → Tonkotsu ramen → Tonkatsu → Pig (did I mention, pigs?) → That One Episode of The Simpsons that gave us the great quotes “Pig is a magical animal” and “You don’t make friends with salads”
  • Wheat → Creme Brulee Doughnuts → Baguettes → Baghels → Chocolate Molten Lava Cakes
  • Chickens
  • Sharks → Bake & Shark → Sharknado 1Sharknado 2Sharknado 3
  • Coral → Spongebob → CHOCOLATE

I could go on but do I really need to? You know what you’d miss if we didn’t have water. Don’t even waterfront.

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Crystal Clear

Water is so versatile and even-tempered, it decided to be clear-coloured. Just so humans could go ahead and mix tang into it to make it orange. Or Kool-aid to make it red flavoured. Water thought about us and how we’d bend it to our wills (Water Benders, Unite! No seriously, Fire Nation is Best Nation but Blood Bending is pretty bad-assed and can’t be denied and oh ho, couldn’t do it without water, could we?).

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Water knew we’d want to use it in all sorts of stuff, so it opted to be as accommodating as possible. How cool is that? Really cool.

Cool as Ice

You know what else could be cool if you wanted it to be? Water. It could also be hot for all your spa, tea, hot chocolate & coffee drinking needs. Without it, we wouldn’t have Blur’s “Coffee & TV” and that would have been a crime against humanity, but I digress.

Oh, we also would not have had references to oceans because oceans wouldn’t exist and “Unnatural Selection” by Muse would never have been written.

Billy Ocean wouldn’t exist either because he wouldn’t have a name.

What’s that? “Caribbean Queen” was his greatest claim to fame…? Oh. Well Eff that Guy!

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Anyway, we also wouldn’t have great expressions such as “Across the Pond” because there’d be no pond to go across. It’d be a world without The Beatles. Imagine all the people, living life in sadness. Who wants to live in that world?

It lacks enough electrolytes.

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Swamps. Florida Man. Nothing. There’s nothing terrible about water. Nothing that can’t be fixed and set adrift on its wonderful surface to the middle of the Caribbean nowhere.

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Water’s pretty great but it’s not quite gatorade.

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Follow N. Ho Sang aka Frank “Franky” Zarnyx on Twitter at @Zarnyx if you’re feeling like going on watery adventures, or you can read her articles here. Each article comes with a complimentary bottle of water Gatorade.