Dear Video Gamers, are you angry? Is the thing you're irritated by on this list? No? Then you're probably fuming about the wrong thing. You silly person. Don't go wasting your time incensed by anything else!
In the loveable, wonderful sport of Mario Kart, there is really only one monster ruining the fun for everyone. Bowser or Wario seem like they'd be the party-poopers, but even they know a good time when they see one. No, Bloopers are a blight on an otherwise joyous landscape. And they know it too, the little cretins.
Just look at that face. Look at it! Those eyes are DEAD EYES. That is the face of a creature that doesn't care that their only role in life is to annoy people. That's all they do! All day, every day! Float in; BLIND important dignitaries and small children with ink; float off. If they had middle fingers they'd be gesturing their contempt with every arm.
It's the method of blinding that's really horrifying. You might feel that it's just a bit of ink, no big deal. FOOLS! Have you ever considered what that squid ink is made from? Yeah I didn't think so: It's a mix of melanin and mucus.
THAT'S RIGHT! MUCUS!
Squid ink is essentially SNOT WITH COLOURING! Every time a Blooper fires a jet onto your character and kart, they are sneezing hard! You as the player can't see what's happening on the track because there is SNOT ON THE INSIDE OF YOUR SCREEN. Disgusting!
Bloopers are jerks. They're not adding anything to the game. They're not really adding any challenge; I can still tell where I am on the track most of the time. They're just there to humiliate everyone. Think of how many times a Blooper has stared vacantly at your screen and sneezed all over your happiness.
I think we know what needs to happen now:
Who fancies some calamari?
There is no video game item as INCONCEIVABLY ANNOYING as the Red Herb in the Resident Evil series. The best definition for the term, "a waste of space" I've ever seen! I reckon that when the protagonist chops it up to make a healing potion, it makes them cry and it smells really bad too.
The only thing this sickly-red weed is good for is making health items. Which might sound great, especially in a zombie situation. But you can't use the Red Herb unless you have a spare Green Herb to combine it with. Do you know what you can use it for if you don't have a Green Herb? That's right: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING! It just sits in your backpack taking up room. That would be fine if the little plant could be squeezed into a side pocket, but ooooh no. Red Herb likes to spread out. Red Herb likes to stretch out its leaves and take up an ENTIRE SQUARE SPACE! Yet when you grind it up and add it to another herb, it all still fits into one space!
…yeah, I realise that the green herb takes up a whole square too. But's that… well… shut up that's not the point.
The point is that unless I have a spare green herb (if I have two they can combine with each other) the red herb just sits in my inventory like a rotten tooth. But we hold onto it, because this is survival horror and you don't throw things away. Deep down we all know that it's a pointless item and need to go! It would be like carrying around spare ammo for a gun you don't have…
If you're creating a new sci-fi universe, you're going to need an angry species. The Krogan of Mass Effect are brimming over with hate (most of which is justified given the back story). Shepherd's Krogan companion, Urdnot Wrex, has a particular penchant for violent outbursts, emitting death threats with the casual nature of wishing someone a "good morning". But it's not Wrex himself that you should be angered by; it's the discrimination against him.
Simply put: Why OH WHY, am I not allowed to have a relationship with Wrex?
I know for a fact that I'm not the only one who demands to know why Commander Shepherd gets her rocks off with EVERY OTHER SPECIES in the game. Humans, Asari, Quarians and Turians… they are all ready to bed the hero, but for some reason we can't have a little bit of Krogan? I'd like you to give me one good reason.
His species is impotent? That's a minor technicality. Just because an alien scientist made most of the Krogans sterile, doesn't mean that Wrex doesn't know how to have a good time.
He's unattractive? WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE? Don't bring your 21st Century ideals to this argument. Just because you don't find his giant hump appealing, doesn't meant that someone (or something) else wouldn't! Not everyone can have curves like Liara. Especially when she's paying for boob jobs between games.
He's too angry? Come on, you can't tell me that 'Renegade Shep' wouldn't want to make the beast-with-two-backs with bad-boy Wrex. Besides, everyone else is so timid when it comes to love making. When you consider Jak's "Waaa nobody loves meee" and Garrus' "I'll need to read the manual first" and Tali's "Having intercourse with you might kill me" it's clear that the Normandy is full of wimps. Now Wrex is the kind've guy that won't shy away. That Krogan doesn't need a manual to make male/female Shepherd feel like a real man/woman.
…I made myself feel ill.
You might think that the progression of save systems in games is a good thing. But you would be wrong, and stupid, and wrong. Once upon a time, games expected us to save our games ourselves. And that was better.
HOW DARE A VIDEO GAME PRESUME TO KNOW WHEN AND WHERE I WANT MY GAME SAVED?! It's utterly ludicrous that the game gets to decide where it should load from. Oh, you've made it past that arbitrary corner. You get an Autosave! Good for you have a cookie. Why can a game not trust me to save after a loading screen?! Does it believe I'll forget that I'm playing and wander off to make a sandwich?! Does it think I'm an idiot?! HMM?!
I'll tell you when and how I want a game saved: I want a list of twenty-five separate save files all lined up in case I missed an item I need to go back for. I'm also going to save every time I get through a difficult bit, so I don't have to go back and enjoy the challenge again. And when I do die, I want to know that I have a Quick-Save ready.
That way, I can re-load my save , get shot in the head, re-load again, die, re-load and explode…until I FINALLY kill the guy with one awesome move. And I'll be able to say that I did it on the first go, because THE DAMNED AUTOSAVE HASN'T RECORDED THE TWENTY OR SO TIMES I WAS MURDERED IN THE SAME CORRIDOR!
Wow, pretending to be angry about stuff is hard. I need to go lie down…
…wait, hang on… I had a point to make. Well, not really. This was written for the same reason I write my blog: I like to overthink and poke fun at my hobby. But there is a message here (sort of).
Be careful how you mix anger with opinion.
You can be angry about games. Of course you can. Suggesting you can't would be like saying you can't get frustrated when your sports team fails, or happy when your favourite band is performing. You can also express your opinion. I for one wouldn't enjoy writing if people couldn't respond. However, you should be careful how you combine those two basic human rights. When you mix anger with expression of opinion, you start to sound like a grown man yelling at a squid for sneezing on him…
So if you ever find yourself on the receiving end of a gamer rant from a mystery gamer, consider replying with a link to this article. Remind the angry gamer that a rant might seem like a good idea at the time, but it can look very silly in retrospect. Very silly indeed.
(It's hard to stop using Caps Lock once you start.)