Name a thing.
What ever it was - Mario can do it better.
Tennis? Check. Doctoring? Yes. Plumbing? You better believe it. Jumping? I don't think you're listening to me. If it has Mario in the title chances are it's worth playing, with the notable exception of a few dozen titles. So when Nintendo FINALLY announced the release date for the upcoming Mario Golf: World Tour I was shocked and appalled to see that no one seemed to really care.
Kotaku didn't even feel this new info was worth posting to their front page. Disappointing. Ohhhh sure, we're getting a sequel to NES Remix, but you couldn't bother to mention the newest edition in one of the greatest sports series of all time?
"Is Mario Golf really that great, GBD?" you question as you slump over in your comfy office chair, stuffing your face full of XXTRA Flamin' Hot Cheetos.
Well, let's consult the chart, shall we?
Did you know that the Mario Golf series has better overall critical scores than the following series - The Legend of Zelda, Grand Theft Auto, Bubble Bobble, Final Fantasy, Bionic Commando. Now that's a stone cold lie. But you believed me for a second didn't you? Let's take a stroll down memory lane and experience the history of Mario Golf to better understand why it's worthy of SotM (Series of the Millennium) status.
Stuff before Mario Golf 64
Some horrible idiots out there claim that the Mario Golf series actually started with the NES title Golf. They say this terrible thing because you can golf as Mario, but purist (like myself) know that there have only really been four real Mario Golf titles to date. They are great, wonderful, amazing and phenomenal - in that order.
Mario Golf 64
3D graphics! Realistic wind represented by ghosts! Mario! This game had it all. This milestone set up the ground work for the next three game and if it's not in your collection you really need to analyze what went wrong in your life. Head on over to eBay and snag a new-in-box copy for the staggeringly low price of $130.
Mario Golf (Game Boy)
It's like the 64 version, only less 3D. Very less. Critics hailed it for it's amazing chip tune music and because it's a gosh darn historical treasure. Millions of years from now aliens will pry a Game Boy Color out of my cold dead hands and praise their gelatinous galactic god they found this gem. And when they hit a hole in one they will know what it is to become one with the universe.
Mario Golf: Toadstool Tour
The GameCube version of the beloved franchise had hella characters and all sorts of super shots. If your ball isn't catching fire you're doing it wrong. The graphics and the golf physics are WAY better in this one and there's even a level with Pikimin. God only knows how many times I've wanted to club them over the head with a nine iron.
Mario Golf Advanced Tour
Great zombie Jesus. You've probably played an RPG at some point in your carrier as an amateur gamer. All those mamby pamby titles like Chrono Fantasy and Ni no Dragoon Star Online can't hold a candle to Advanced Tour. See, in this game RPG stands for "Role Playing Golf", seriously it's on the box. Handsome pseudo 3D graphics, gratuitous amounts of content and the ability to improve your own character makes this the best GBA title on the planet. If this game never comes to the Wii U or 3DS I'll be sending many angry letters to the Big N, dripping with blood and rage sweat.
Mario Golf: World Tour
You can golf underwater.
I'm not sure if developers will even attempt to create new games after World Tour hits on May 2nd, but if they do I'm sure they'll pale in comparison. So get excited! New Mario Golf is coming and you are lucky enough to exist. While you wait be sure to pick up all four previous installments so you can follow the highly cerebral story line that is sure to continue in this newest title. Then you too can golf like Michael Jordan.
I mean Mario. Mario.