The Earth is imploding, and it's all your fault game critics because your long-winded, boring essays about video games are so long-winded and boring it's causing the Earth to implode!

Sure, art has critics, film has critics, and even food has critics. But, video games!? Why couldn't video games couldn't sit this one out for once, huh?

Do you judge-y game critics have to judge-ly judge everything!?

Fine. Here's a critique: you don't make sense. Nobody understands how the themes in Candy Crush mirror the fall of 19th century European agrarianism. People do not grasp your theories on why FPS game mechanics mimic the psychology of Victorian partner dancing. Gibberish!

Spare us your equivocations, game critics. Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get!

Advertisement

Thanks to you, students are failing out of school because they think game criticism is academic. Grade schoolers are turning in book reports on the Animal Crossing strategy guide. College dissertations are being written on Mass Effect 3's ending. Kids now-a-days think Angry Birds is really about racial tensions throughout history, and not about cartoon birds trying to get their eggs back from green pigs!

Run!! Forrest!! Run!! Stop corrupting our youth.

I don't write game criticism for a living (and neither do you!) so I shouldn't have to tell you this: stop it right now. Do something productive with your life. Learn some programming, go to art school, join an indie dev., and start making your own games.

Advertisement

That way, we can actually play a game that means something, rather than read your game criticism that actually says nothing.


Ever heard of Twitter? Neither have I. @marshnaylor