The Universe is on fire, and it's all your fault Microsoft because your Xbox One console disc drives don't work.
PS4 has the Blue Light of Death and the Wobble of Destruction. You didn't want to feel left out of the controversy, did you? So you gave us the Disc Drive of Doom!
That grinding sound you hear? It's my very soul dying in my body.
News flash: nobody can play a disc game if the disc drive is broken. I know I can download games easily. I could go totally digital except, if I've already bought the game, I don't want to buy it twice. That's about as thoughtless as shipping a new console with a broken disc drive.
Tsk, tsk, Microsoft. Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads (which is no where with a totally broken disc drive).
I tried fixing it, believe me. I've said things like, "Xbox, fix the disc drive," and "Xbox, contact customer support." You know what happened? Nothing. I thought this thing was all-in-one, not all-for-nothing. I should give this mammoth black box to the Navy so they can anchor their aircraft carriers with it and hope that counts as a tax write-off.
Xbox One? More like Xpwnd One! It seems to me the only thing you've learned is that Caesar is a "salad dressing dude."
I don't make consoles for a living (You do.) so I should be playing your console, not telling you how to fix it; By gum, fix this Disc Drive of Doom. Let people send their consoles in for a free repair and give them some Xbox dollars.
That way, we can actually play on your console and not just cry ourselves to sleep at night because our wives left us.
Need to contact the fake ranter? Try Twitter at @marshnaylor