If you’re a video game character, then you’ve probably done some truly terrible things, the sort of things you may drink to forget. So let’s raise a glass to those video game characters who really need to tie one on.
We’re talking about characters who are often tasked with killing THOUSANDS of people in a day, going home, washing off veritable tonnage of alien viscera from their space bro suit, getting a good night’s sleep, and doing it all again tomorrow.
Hell, even the most innocent of Nintendo characters are usually squashing or bonking other cute creatures to death in an obsessive pursuit of coins or the vanity of a higher number to boast to their friends about.
There’s simply no chance that your favorite video game character isn’t an absolute booze bag. And can you blame them? You’d hit the sauce too if you were forced by an invisible overlord to commit these heinous acts over and over again.
Let’s take a look at what some of your favorite video game characters are having.
Mario - Budweiser
Mario’s a classic. Budweiser’s a... classic? I guess? It’s little and red and squat and pretty inoffensive. In a pinch, it’ll get the job done. It’s perfect for an everyman plumber to crack open after a day of climbing beanstalks and stomping on roaming penis tips. In fact, I think I just found your new tagline, Bud.
Luigi - Scotch
Picturing, for a moment, that Mario and Luigi are roommates, paint the image of Mario passed out on the couch with his hands down his pants after polishing off a twelver of Bud.
Now, picture Luigi’s still awake, sitting at the kitchen table in the dark, illuminated only by the light from his cigarette, power-drinking his glass of scotch as he watches his more famous, globally-adored, slovenly “buddy” zonked out in the next room. Sick, twisted, dark thoughts of a world without Mario parade around Luigi’s boozy brain until they’re temporarily suppressed by the lure of another round.
This is the darkness that consumes Luigi, and this is why he drinks.
Gordon Freeman (Half-Life) - Tells People He Drinks Gin, Actually Chugs Grain Alcohol When They’re Not Looking
Look, I know Gordon’s some fancy pants physicist from MIT or whatever, but he’s also a dangerously-radiated, goateed maniac that kills people with a crowbar. So, honestly, how refined could his taste in booze really be?
Duke Nukem - Natural Light
Duke’s the guy at the party pounding cheap light beer until it’s just you and Mr. Nukem left awake at the Post-Apocalyptic Frat house. There you are, sitting on the back stoop, as a true moment of boozed-up vulnerability cracks through Duke’s hardened veneer. He sheds a solitary tear for one of those strippers that he accidentally killed in a violent firefight with a pig-cop.
You put your arm around Duke, tell him it wasn’t his fault, and look out into the alien-occupied wasteland surrounding you as Crazy Town’s “Butterfly” gently bumps in the background.
Nathan Drake (Uncharted) - Any Pretentious Craft Beer
Drake’s the kind of guy who would scoff at Duke’s shitty, but budget-effective, domestic light beer of choice.
He’s the jerk who brings a six pack of whatever flavor of the month craft beer he’s into now to the party and drinks five of them before reluctantly offering you the last one. He insists on opening it for you using his lighter. This takes him two or three tries.
When Nate’s not spending most of the party breaking down just how hoppy his beer is, he’s reminding everyone to like his CrossFit Gym on Instagram (hey, how the hell do you think he can free climb mountains as his full-time job?) and follow their trip to the sub-regional county pre-qualifiers for the CrossFit games.
He’s wearing a beanie inside. In June. And he’s not all that fun to drink with.
Lara Croft (Tomb Raider) - Aged French Wine
I’m not sure what it is about artifact-stealing Instagram models like Lara and Nathan, but they also have a slightly douchey taste in booze.
If you had the theft abilities of Ms. Croft, you wouldn’t settle for anything less than the best. That’s why she hasn’t paid for a drink in years. Lara just swipes a bottle of fine wine here and there whenever she’s on a more swanky mission to an old estate, and not inexplicably rummaging through a cave full of bonehead goons protecting a priceless gem that would surely depreciate in value by being stored in such a volatile climate.
Sonic the Hedgehog - JOOSE (Pre-Nerf)
Some might say that the roaring twenties were the best time to be alive. Or, perhaps, as a free-spirited flower child of the late sixties. I would say, fuck those people, it was actually being in college in the mid-to-late 2000's. That’s because JOOSE and Sparks and a myriad of other alcoholic energy drinks were running wild.
For the uninitiated, these were twenty-four-ounce cans of regret. They contained some heinous mixture of grain alcohol, taurine, and Nicholas Cage’s ball sweat that would turn you into a damn party machine. They were perfect for college-aged idiots. Then one idiot took it too far and drank about a million of them before his head exploded like that guy in Scanners. So, the government stepped in. They deconstructed our perfect drink until it was only a shade of its former self, stripped of all the toxins and cancer dust that made it so effective. Simply put: they nerfed it. They nerfed the hell out of JOOSE.
Anyway, everyone’s favorite psychotic hedgehog, Sonic, had the foresight to purchase a lifetime supply of that sweet elixir before the patch came out, and he’s not putting it down anytime soon.
Princess Peach (Super Mario Bros.) - Any Vodka That Comes In A Plastic Bottle
Peach is CONSTANTLY being kidnapped. I’d wager that Peach is so kidnappable because she’s blasted on budget vodka at all times of the day and has zero awareness of what’s going on around her - this includes a giant dinosaur thing who would, presumably, shake the very foundation of the earth with each step he takes, stealing her SO MANY god damn times. You’d have to be budget-vodka-hammered to let that happen so often.
Master Chief (Halo) - Vodka Soda
Chief’s the sort that never stops taking himself seriously. Even when he’s off the clock and everyone else is cutting loose at the bar (The Arbiter’s passed out in the corner as 343 Guilty Spark draws wieners on his head) ol’ Johnny boy still orders the drink that will do the least damage to his figure while also putting one of those giant Halo waypoints over his head notifying everyone else in the bar to avoid this bore at all costs.
Chief’s not a fun guy. Therefore, he drinks the official drink of the lame guy: vodka soda.
Pac-Man - Crack Cocaine
Not sure about Pac-Man’s drink of choice, but that dude is definitely on crack.
Fargoth (The Elder Scrolls III: Morrowind) - Mulled Toilet Wine
That creep Fargoth 100% makes his own toilet wine. I’m absolutely certain of this.
That’s it for now, though, it’s closing time.
The guy from Tapper would love to keep the bar open past two for all of these tortured protagonists, but the last time he did so, that butthead Ashley Graham from Resident Evil 4 was in there as a police plant and they were hit with some massive fines. But feel free to bring yourselves to the after party, the internet comments section, where we can get unreasonably drunk and cry and yell things at each other that we don’t mean without any fear of actual repercussions.
So, what do you think your favorite character is having?
Mac Fabes is a former copywriter who would rather spend his free time writing about video games than brainstorming hundreds of taglines for diarrhea medication.
When he’s not writing far too many words about video games, you can find Mac on twitter harassing local sports reporters, talking video games, and defending Guy Fieri with an absolute lack of irony.